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Friday, December 30, 2011

Surreal.

I have been a BAD BAD blogger! Let me recap, quickly.

We had our IVF consult. It went well.

We learned that we are going to be responsible for $4,020 (out of the total of $13,000 - a grant from NYS is paying for rest!) and quickly (with the tremendous help of awesome family and friends) organized a fundraising benefit that earned us $1,875! It feels SO awesome that so many people are helping us have a baby!

Our doctor's office then informed us that they will work out a payment plan for us for the remainder of the money. This was AWESOME news.

My period should be here today or tomorrow and I will start birth control, a daily vitamin and 81mg of baby aspiring every day.

Jan. 12th we go in for a teaching session for the injectable meds and a repeat HSG (oh joy).

Sometime mid-month I start Lupron.

Jan. 24th I go in for a baseline ultrasound and bloodwork. Our payment is also due this day.

Jan. 27th I start stimulation meds!

The week of Feb. 6th - our egg retrieval, and 3-5 days later - embryo transfer!

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING. It is so so surreal.

We have about a 50% chance of this working the first try. Hopefully we will have frozen embryos for FET, but it would be even nicer if we didn't have to worry about that!

Also new - ERIN'S BABY GIRL! She is the CUTEST thing everrr.



Also new - Pinterest. I'm addicted.

Also new - If we have a girl, her room will be pink and white with owls. If we have a boy, his room will be blue and tan with giraffes.





In 5 weeks, we will be doing IVF! I can't BELIEVE it! <3 We're almost there, baby!

Next post will be - IVF survival guide! :)

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Time.

I started blogging in August 2010, and photo blogging in October 2010. Not in a million years did I think that over a year later, we still wouldn't be pregnant. That's. Just. CRAZY to me. Nor did I think that we would be having an IVF consult. Nuts.

A little over 24 hours left til our consult! So excited.

I made some updates to the blog today. My Project 365 is up to date. I took down Britt's ticker, because she had her beautiful baby boy, Luke. I added MELISSA'S ticker, woohoo! I updated the pics of Doug, Mason and I. Lots of little changes, and I think it looks nice. :)

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Never any good news, is there?

I write this post through tears. It should be a happy time. In 2 days, Doug and I will sit down with Dr. Sullivan, my reproductive endocrinologist, and discuss IVF.

In-vitro fertilization.

Simply put: remove eggs from her, remove sperm from him, eggs + sperm = petri dish, then implanted back in her, and hopefully - they stay there.

The process of pumping me full of injectable meds for weeks, requiring Doug to "pleasure himself" into a cup (for the 3rd time this journey), and then stirring up eggs retrieved from me and Doug's little swimmers in a little dish, and then implanting those little hopeful-babes into my uterus.

I should be ecstatic. And for a while before this appointment, I was. But everything changed on Wednesday. I started spotting. At only CD15. A whole "cycle" wasted. No real answers. Is it an annovulatory cycle? Ovulation spotting? My period? Irritated cervix? Cyst? Other? Who knows.

What pisses me off is: a wasted cycle. After 16 fucking months, you don't want to waste ANY more time.

What pisses me off even more is: that this may fuck up our IVF cycle. I need my body to cooperate so we can go through this process. We have ONE CHANCE at IVF - my fertility clinic got grant money that needs to be used by March. We will be cycling in late Jan/early Feb. We get ONE cycle of IVF. So everything needs to be PERFECT.

I quit smoking (go me!).. I'm going to start acupuncture. I've taken my Prenatal every day. Doug is working on quitting smoking, and we need to start eating out less and cooking at home more. Organically, if possible.

If I go through ALL of this, and my stupid fucking body prevents us from doing IVF, I don't even know what I'll do. I really don't.

On a happier note, CONGRATULATIONS MELISSA! I love you! 18 LONG months! Two IVFs... and FINALLY, a BFP. So, it is possible! I pray each and EVERY day - sticky vibes for you (times two!) and that my first (and only) IVF will work. Muah!! Xoxo. <3 <3


Monday, October 24, 2011

Another quick update.

Yeah, the Clomid didn't work at all. Ovulated ONE egg on CD20. Just like I would have if I didn't take it. Thank God it was only $20.

The trigger shot wasn't bad at all. Easy. No pain. LOTS of bloating though.

My period came 4 days early which was a shock.

Discussed w/ doc and we are going to do an endometrial biopsy this cycle, a round of meds (probably Femara/Ovidrel/IUI) the cycle after that, and then if that doesn't work, he wants to do the lap surgery.

I'm disappointed, angry, frustrated - the usual. Happy that we have a plan in place. Trying to work out how I would possibly do surgery with work. We'll see.

Friday, September 30, 2011

Super short update.

AF came. Obviously.
Birthday was nice.
Took the Clomid. Terrible side effects (hot flashes, emotions, moodiness) and it's not really working that well, IMO. I went in for my u/s CD12 and my biggest follie was 10mm. Not exactly where they should be when you're about to ovulate.

SO.. gotta go back in Monday CD16 for another u/s and will probably trigger shortly after that. Got a run-down on how to do the shot. No biggie. Doug's excited about it.
No IUI this month, and this cycle is still costing $400 between meds, Preseed and u/s. Ugh. Home sick today. Looking forward to the weekend.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Just some schtuff.

I feel like crap today. Very IBS/AF like. Super fun. I *think* I'm 14dpo. Which means AF is due in the next day or two. Bring her on. I know I'm not preg this month, and I'm soo excited for next month's plan.

Ideally we would be able to do Femara/Ovidrel/back-to-back IUIs. HOWEVER, it's not a perfect world and my new insurance that kicks in on November 1st has a $1300 deductible. After Doug and I discussed it, we think we decided we were going to do Femara/Ovidrel and pay out of pocket for the next few months, and then add the IUI for Jan. 1st. At least that way the money that we'd be paying would go towards 2012's deductible.

After discussing with the doctor, that is fine with them. But they switched the Femara to Clomid because of the cost ($200+ vs. $18). I didn't want Clomid because of the side effects, but I'm desperate, so I don't care. I got my Rx for the Clomid in the mail on Saturday and will start it on CD5. Can't wait! This regimen will be the real test to see if the issue is my weak/late ovulation. We'll probably do 3 rounds of this, and then check back in with the doc to see if they want to jump right into Clomid (or Femara)/Ovidrel/IUI in January, or if they want to do more testing and possibly lap surgery.

I've been jumping back into planning. A *normal* woman by now would have a newborn. She would get her "fix" by hugging that little baby and putting him/her in all of the adorable little outfits that were purchased months ago. However, I have to get my "fix" by planning. So much is already planned - baby has a room, a name, a nursery theme - all the important stuff. So lately I've been planning all the little (although very important!) details: how to tell Doug about my BFP, when/how to announce to friends/family/co-workers, who will be the God-parents, etc.

I started to type out how I'm going to tell Doug about my BFP, but then I decided against it on the OFF chance that he visits my blog. That would be my luck. Well, just know it's a cute idea! ;)

Mason's doing well in Kindergarten, he loves it. He did a GREAT job as the "pillow boy" in the wedding. I'll post some pics tonight. :)

So.. just waiting on AF so I can start new protocol. And my birthday is 2 weeks from today, woot woot!


Sunday, August 28, 2011

Dot dot dot...

So, obviously, even though I did not want to move on to cycle #14, my body had other plans and here we are.

I think I'm ovulating, and it's kinda crazy that the beginning of this cycle went by so quickly. I'm glad. But this is the stressful time of the cycle. From ovulation to AF. No matter what I do, I cannot rid myself of anxiety and stress. No matter what. I've tried. I'm at a loss. I'm stressed, I'm depressed, I'm frustrated and I'm exhausted. I don't know what to do or to try anymore.

For the last thirteen months - over a YEAR, I have had a few days of being "almost pregnant". Where you just *know* that you are.. I want to be *really* pregnant this month.

For 8 months we tried natural TTC - Preseed, Mucinex, Soy Isoflavones, Bromelain, temping, checking CP and CM, charting and OPKs. Month #9 was Femara. Month #10 was Femara/IUI. Then we tried the "natural" approach - NOTHING. "Relaxing". No temping, no OPKs. No Preseed or anything. I simply charted my AF and my CM to keep track of the days. We didn't do special positions, we skipped days when we wanted to and had sex on days that we didn't have to.. we tried to just "enjoy" each other. We tried that "natural" and "relaxed" plan for THREE months. Aren't you supposed to spontaneously become pregnant when you stop "trying"??? Well, that didn't work for us. Let's look at the math, shall we?

1. Doug has a healthy 5 year-old son.
2. I produced eggs that resulted in a healthy 3 year-old boy.
3. Doug's first sperm sample was 40 million, very normal and healthy in all ways.
4. Doug's second sperm sample was 200 million, astronomically awesomely healthy and perfect.
5. All of my bloodwork testing and the HSG came back perfect.
6. The average couple gets pregnant in 3-6 months. We've been trying for 3 TIMES that long.

What does that equal? NOTHING. It makes no sense. I don't get it.

Besides TTC, nothing is going on. Work is okay. Doug's job is stressful. Mason's starting Kindergarten. I have IBS now. Blah.


Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Every infertile has her day.

Unfortunately, today was not that day. For me anyways. BFN. On a Dollar General test in a Burger King bathroom. Not exactly the beautiful way I envisioned seeing that positive test after all this time, but alas, that didn't matter as there was NO hint of any pink on that test.

I'm depressed. The end.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Quick post!

I *think* I'm 14dpo today. Let's check in on my to-do list, shall we?

1. Take Matilda to a park. We took BOTH dogs to the park! They had a blast!
2. Get a new library book out (non-TTC related) and read it. (Did not happen.)
3. Do Yoga 6 times. (Did not happen.)
4. Sit down and read books with Mason. (Did not happen.)
5. Start (and make real progress on) a sewing project. I made Mason some Green Hornet shorts! He loves them. :) I'm really proud of myself.
6. Plan a roadtrip. (We made preliminary plans on this one. Thousand Islands!)
7. Take video & pics of new house to post on blog. (Did not happen.)
8. Take a picture everyday for my photoblog. Did pretty well on this one. I'll have to look and see how many days I really took a photo.
9. Work with Reese on his leash, without Matilda. Apparently my dogs like to surprise me, because I took them BOTH on a walk the other day and they did great!!
10. Take Reese to the vet for shots & a check-up. His appointment is Tuesday, but we may have to reschedule.
11. Get 3 good pics of Doug & I. Done! We went to a luau and they had a photo booth! So fun. :)
12. Do something sweet for Doug. Done!
13. Organize desk and bathroom closet. (Did not happen.)
14. Make and wear my luau jumper!! This one may not work :( The jumper's not going so well. At all. (Did not happen.)
8/14 isn't too bad. I'm still working on some of them. :) This was fun, although I got a little anxious at times. It did keep me distracted.

No spotting and only cramping for about 30 seconds yesterday. I'm trying to remain realistic, but the optimism always tries to creep in. I'm sure I will know by later today, if not tomorrow, and I will test tomorrow or Wednesday if no spotting or cramping. Please keep me in your thoughts/prayers. I don't want a cycle #14!

<3 <3 <3



Saturday, August 6, 2011

Furious.

I am just furious right now. I truly don't understand people who can fabricate stories and situations in their head to be mad about.

For the fucking record: I have NEVER been ANYTHING but completely 100% sweet to EVERY member of Doug's family. I have NEVER tried to "interfere" in anything. Every decision that is made in this house is made by BOTH of us. I don't "control" fucking anything.

And for someone to say/imply that: I'm a cunt, am going to do the same thing that his ex did (uhm.. leave Doug for her meth dealer.. yeah, I think I'm good on that), that I have a "problem", that I'm not nice, that I control/interfere in things - is FUCKING bullshit. THIS PERSON is the reason we don't not speak to them - things that THEY have said and done while DRUNK. It's nothing *I* fucking did. THEY are the one with the problem. And if they EVER think I'm going to forgive them, they have another fucking thing coming.

Sit down and have a few more drinks, bitch. If you keep blaming everyone else for the problems in your pathetic life - you're going to be ALONE forever. And I don't feel bad for you. You make me fucking sick. I've never been so disgusted by someone's behavior EVER in my life. If I have my way - you will NEVER see your Grandchildren that are birthed by me. Congratulations.

SO.. I think I'm done with THAT speech. What else is going on? My to-do list is nooot going well. I've been so tired/busy with this new job. :( I *still* don't know if I really O'd this month or not. 12dpo and still no creamy CM, or CM of any kind really. Sigh. I came up with a list of reasons why the universe should let us get pregnant now:

1. I got my tattoo finished, so I'll look super cute in all my baby bump photos. :)
2. Mason & I butted heads (a lot) at one point - but now we're really close, like we should be.
3. I actually said out loud the other day, "I think it's a good thing we didn't get pregnant right away. We know each other a LOT more now than we did when we first started trying."
4. I have a job!
5. And insurance!
6. Baby has a nice cozy room all to his/herself in our new house :)
7. My Grandma is giving me her sewing machine today! I would be able to sew all kinds of cute creations for baby. :)

So universe, if you're listening - we're ready! Come on!!!! <3

Hope anyone/everyone who's reading has a great weekend!!  

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Breakfast talk.

This weekend Mason's little friend Bella slept over. A very interesting conversation arose while they were eating breakfast.

Doug was in the shower, but I could hear the conversation from another room. Bella was asking Mason why his parents don't live together. She's 7 and her parents have been together since (obviously) before she was born.

Mason couldn't grasp what she was asking. To him (Doug & his ex split up when Mason was 1), it's just normal - Mommy lives with Ian (her boyfriend), and Daddy lives with me.

Bella kept pushing.. "I know your mom lives with Ian and your dad lives with Kelly, but why? Why don't they live together?" Mason was getting very confused, and in his own way was trying to say that at Mommy's house, Ian is his dad-figure, and at Daddy's house, Kelly is the mom-figure.

So I decided to interject and clear things up for them both. I did my best with a very touchy and slightly confusing subject.

I walked up behind Mason (who was sitting in his chair) and put my hands on his shoulders.

"Mason's Mommy and Daddy decided that they didn't want to be together anymore. Mason's Mom wanted to be with Ian, and his Dad wants to be with me. So Mason has TWO sets of parents that love him very, very much!"

Mason looked up at me and smiled, and I kissed his forehead. Then I walked over to Bella, who was looking slightly dejected that she didn't get two sets of parents, and took her face in my hands.

"And YOUR parents love each other and you SO much that they're going to be together FOREVER! So you're very lucky too!"

She smiled and giggled and I kissed her forehead.

Crisis averted. Everyone's happy. :)

Here's a picture of the little cuties.




Also, as far as my to-do list goes, I can already change a few things:

1. Take Matilda to a park.
2. Get a new library book out (non-TTC related) and read it.
3. Do Yoga 6 times.
4. Sit down and read books with Mason.
5. Start (and make real progress on) a sewing project.
6. Plan a roadtrip.
7. Take video & pics of new house to post on blog.
8. Take a picture everyday for my photoblog.
9. Work with Reese on his leash, without Matilda. Apparently my dogs like to surprise me, because I took them BOTH on a walk the other day and they did great!!
10. Take Reese to the vet for shots & a check-up.
11. Get 3 good pics of Doug & I.
12. Do something sweet for Doug.
13. Organize desk and bathroom closet.
14. Make and wear my luau jumper!! This one may not work :( The jumper's not going so well. At all.

Until next time!! <3

Saturday, July 30, 2011

14 Things To Do Before I'm 14dpo.

I stole this idea from a friend and I think it's a GREAT way to keep yourself busy during the 2ww.

1. Take Matilda to a park.
2. Get a new library book out (non-TTC related) and read it.
3. Do Yoga 6 times.
4. Sit down and read books with Mason.
5. Start (and make real progress on) a sewing project.
6. Plan a roadtrip.
7. Take video & pics of new house to post on blog.
8. Take a picture everyday for my photoblog.
9. Work with Reese on his leash, without Matilda.
10. Take Reese to the vet for shots & a check-up.
11. Get 3 good pics of Doug & I.
12. Do something sweet for Doug.
13. Organize desk and bathroom closet.
14. Make and wear my luau jumper!!

Today is already 5dpo, so I better get crackin!!!


Friday, July 29, 2011

Really?

Warning: This first paragraph post will probably have lots of swears, jaded opinions and bitching. You've been warned!

I follow people's blogs that I don't like. I don't really know why, but I do. I follow this one girl's blog.. she's 25 and has 5 kids. JUST had twins. And is already getting "baby fever" and thinking about the 6th kid. Are you fucking kidding me? I mean, realistically I know that there's not a quota of kids - where if someone has 10 kids, it's taking kids away from other people. I know that. BUT. It almost feels like it's not fair. I mean, well, it isn't really. But at the same time - what does it affect me if she has 6 kids? Or 10? Or if the Duggar's keep going until they hit 50 kids. It doesn't. But it sure feels like it does. It feels like a slap in the face. Almost like (terrible analogy but I'm tired and cranky and in pain [more on that in a minute] and emotional, and this is my fuckin blog so I can analyze in any way shape or form that I want!) if you had your leg amputated at the knee, and people kept walking up to you and jump roping or riding bikes or skipping. It's like FUCK YOU! Everyone with legs has to leave me alone.

Oh, and P.S./btw - I don't not like her because she is thinking of having a 6th kid. I mean, it doesn't help but it's not why I started not liking her. I don't like her because she is young and acts like she knows everything and is holier than thou and seems to think she's super cool and crunchy and awesome. She's not.

I'm so bitter. I'm so jealous. I'm so angry. I'm so frustrated. I'm so tired. I'm so exhausted. I'm so sad. Some days are better than others. Some minutes are better than others. The other day I bawled my eyes out for the first hour I was up. But the rest of the day was fine. I just CAN'T WAIT for this to be over so I can have a cute little newborn with a perfect name and an adorable nursery (that I'm actually sitting in now... it's the computer room for the moment) and doting grandparents and too many outfits. So I can be DONE with the planning phase and move into the actually having a fucking baby phase.

I broke my pinky toe yesterday. I was walking and texting (doh!) and stubbed it on a cement parking block. What's sad is it wasn't the first time that I stubbed my toe and broke it. I did it when I was like 13 too. On a door. I'm soo friggin clumsy. As SOON as I stubbed it yesterday I knew I broke it. It was just a BAD stub. It's weird cuz I stub my toe ALL the time (and run into walls and give myself bruises), and sometimes it hurts reaally bad. But this time I just KNEW it was broken. Same damn toe too. Maybe it was weak from the first break lol, I don't know. Doug doesn't really believe it's broken. Which, I can't really blame him - it's not too swollen or bruised. You wouldn't even know unless you were really looking for it. But it was the same thing 13 years ago when I broke it. Barely and swelling or bruising. But I got it x-rayed last time and sure enough it was broken. I'm not going to bother this time - I *know* it's broken, and they couldn't do anything for me anyways except confirm that and tell me to ice/elevate, which I'm trying to do anyways.

I *think* I ovulated on Monday. That was CD16. When I *usually* ovulate. But I usually get super creamy CM the next day, and this time I didn't. In fact it's CD20 and my CM is still kinda watery. I know you can't tell for sure if you O'd/didn't O by your CM, but when you've been studying your CM for 13 months, you know what changes you usually see. I do have the usual after-O type soreness though. And I'm emotional and peeing a lot. So I probably did.

No OPKs or temping this month. No doing anything, really. We barely had sex. We did the one night, but then the next night Doug was tired and the night after that I was tired. I was crying to him about it saying that I was beating myself up because we didn't try that hard this month. And that it SUCKS so much because I look forward all fucking month to these like 3 days, because it's a new chance!... and now I have to wait a whole 'nother month for us to try. And he was shocked - I haven't been really telling him when it's O time because we wanted to take the more relaxed approach to TTC.. he said I should have told him and we would have BD'd. I was even more mad at myself then. I thought he knew O time was coming up. I'm still beating myself up about it. But the pessimist in me says, "Hey, it probably wouldn't have happened even if you had sex twice a day during O time." Which is probably true, but the optimist in me says, "Hey - you had sex on CD13 and CD15 - so if you ovulated when you usually do, on CD16 - you still have a shot."

So, I'm *probably* 4dpo. Anticipated AF is 8/8/11. Estimated hopeful due date would be 4/17/12. An April baby would be fun. He/she could wear all the super cute summer clothes and wouldn't be exposed to the harsh Buffalo weather for a while.

So.. that's where I'm at. Broken toe. Emotional. New job's going well. I'm learning things quickly and getting along with everybody. Doug and Mason are well too. The 2ww is always just kind of limbo-time for me, majorly. It's like.. I'm holding my breath for something that will never come. :( I have to stop thinking like that. I have to let the positive side of me take hold more often. Here's to good things to come:


(These are not the actual birds, but we do have a nest of baby Sparrows in our birdhouse. My friend Kelly tells me it's good luck! I sure hope so. <3)

P.S. The history: 8 months of natural TTC (with 2 cycles of Soy Isoflavones), 1 month of Femara, 1 month of Femara/IUI, 3 more months natural TTC. The plan: 2 more months of natural TTC (while I'm on this very basic health insurance) and then Cycle #16 will be MASSIVE testing (NK cells, etc.), surgery? (Laparoscopy), meds (Femara/Ovidrel), back-to-back IUI's, looking into IVIg etc. Busting out the big guns. I REALLY don't want to make it to 18 months TTC.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Sunday.

Yesterday was Mason's birthday party. It was a lot of fun! (Most) kids were well behaved and I definitely learned to let go a little of my OCD - the place was a MESS! And I let it go and just enjoyed the party. A big step for me! In fact, the place still is a mess, as I sit here at 8:45am on Sunday morning. Go me.

I'm emotional today. I don't know why. Sometimes random things trigger it. I think today it was a combination of a blog I stumbled upon (my friend Mandy posted a link to a great article from this blog on her Facebook) and the adorable tots at our birthday party yesterday. I just want this so badly and I don't understand how sperm and egg could get together every month for a year and not make a baby. I just don't. It's not fair. God, if I had a dollar for every time I said/thought that. I'd have enough for IVF.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Got the job!!

Yayyyyy! I got the job :)

Mason's 5th birthday was yesterday, so we're having a bounch house big ass party for him tomorrow. Should be crazy/fun/chaotic!! Something like 40 people at our house! I'm going to have to try and control my OCD for the day, haha.

CD13... we're getting there!! :)

I would just like to know. Even for a second. What it feels like to be pregnant. I'm really hoping this is cycle lucky #13. Month lucky # 13. THE cycle. THE month. I'm honestly exhausted. I haven't done ANYTHING I said I would do this month. :( Between getting the new job (and insurance!) and Mason's birthday party and everything, I just haven't had time to really sit down and assess things. I feel guilty that I haven't made these changes, but at the same time the question, "Why bother? It's not like it would matter if you drank more water/quit smoking/did more Yoga, so why bother?" keeps replaying in my head.

I haven't even ovulated yet this month and I'm already pessimistic about this cycle. Why would this work when TWELVE others haven't. A dozen. A dozen cycles have MISERABLY failed me. Why not make it a baker's dozen?

Everyone's pregnant. You. Her. The girl at work that's training me. Everyone. I do have a few galfriends that aren't. And I'm so ANGRY for us. When is it OUR fucking turn? When do *I* get to feel this joy? Apparently I don't deserve it. It isn't fair and I'm just exhausted with the whole thing.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Fingers crossed!

First of all I'd like to say - if you don't like my blog, or the things I have to say, or the way I'm living my life - don't read my blog! Easy.

Secondly - I love the delete button. A quick, easy way to get rid of the comments and people you don't want to see!

So, I had my interview yesterday with the staffing agency, and today I go meet the client. It's a 5 person panel interview that's going to last 2 - 2 1/2 hours. Wow! I'm really nervous.

Today is CD10. One more week until O time!


I'm sending thoughts & prayers to the Price family. RIP Erin's Grandma. :(

Friday, July 15, 2011

A ha!

Just a few quick things.

I had a phone interview today. Really hoping that the actual interview (Monday) goes well. I need a job. SO. Bad. :( I've literally applied to 25 jobs this week alone. And got ONE phone call, finally. That's crazy. And they are jobs that my skill set matches perfectly - that just goes to show you the volume of people that are applying to these jobs! I've been working on making my cover letter/resume stand out from the crowd. Which is hard, if you don't know what the crowd's resumes look like lol.

Regardless of my massive amounts of relaxing last cycle.. BFN. My cycle was long - like 33 or 34 days. Which means I either ovulated late (CD19), or the progesterone cream I was using lengthened my cycle = progesterone cream out the window. I spotted for 3 days, so I knew AF was coming. I just wanted her to hurry the heck up and get here so I could start a new cycle. Cycle #13. Hopefully LUCKY #13. Hopefully our last cycle ever.

I learned a lot from the Making Babies book. It's a 3 month plan, which for me entails:

Quitting smoking
Drinking more water
Protein shakes
Exercising appropriately per cycle phase
Mucinex
RRL
Preseed
Eating more fruits & veggies
Eating less fried, fatty foods
Drinking less fruit juices with refined sugar
Visualization and self-massage
(And then some)

I also have a LONG list of tests I want run as soon as I get insurance.

A few weeks ago I participated in Mutual of Omaha's "A ha" Moment Tour. Basically these amazing people travel around the U.S. in an RV, taping people's "a ha" moments - moments that changed their lives.

It was really fun. It felt great to get my story out there. I felt like I was speaking for all of us. Here's my clip:


I was talking about http://www.babycenter.com/ (BBC) as the "community" I mentioned, and a good friend of mine from there as my inspiration. :)

I'm thinking of that good friend today. :( :(

I also just signed up to be a Moderator on my friend Amanda's awesome website. Check it out for sure!

http://www.amandabears.com/
http://www.myfertilitydesign.com/

Currently CD6 and excited to get healthy this month and GET PREGNANT!
4/15/12 sounds good to me. <3



Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Quick update!

This is going to be really short, and I'm so sorry about that, but my computer has a virus so I'm using a library computer and there are some special (smelly) people in here, so I won't be staying long! :(

So, unfortunately, our Femara/IUI cycle didn't work, despite having 200 million amazing spermies :( It was a really, really, really big disappointment.

The cycle after that, #11, ended in me getting my period as well. I thought I "relaxed" really well last cycle, so.. that was a bummer.

I've REALLY tried to relax this cycle. I went camping, I've been sleeping in and taking naps (being jobless has at least one perk!).. I've been working out again (Yoga, P90x, Jillian Michael's "Hot Bod in a Box") and drinking protein shakes, as well as taking my prenatal and drinking Red Raspberry Leaf when I think of it. I've also been using Serenity's Natural Progesterone Cream during this 2ww. Today is 7dpo. I feel the usual twinges and strange cramps, but GOD knows - that happens everything month.

A little bit on my latest research: "overactive immune systems and infertility". Someone had said in a forum that their doctor said they had this.. I thought hmm.. I've often thought, "God.. the sperm and egg MUST be meeting.. there has to be a reason why the embryo isn't implanting!" This could, essentially, answer this problem. I have a lot of auto-immune disorders in my family - Celiac's Disease, Lupus.. in essence with these conditions, your immune system acts it's self. It can also attack an embryo as a foreign object. Apparently it's a simple blood test to test your NK (natural killer) cells. The treatment would be "intralipids".. they hook you up to an IV for 90-120 minutes. From what I understand, it pumps into you the types of cells that would be in an embryo.. It's a little confusing, but it makes sense. They would do this 4-5 days before anticipated ovulation, and 4-5 weeks after a BFP. I think once I get a job and insurance again, I will look into getting this testing. It couldn't hurt.

On the job front - I had a second interview at this neat place on Friday, and I should hear something this week. Fingers crossed!

Our new house is awesome! We are SO much more relaxed here - I'm hoping that helps TTC as well.

Camping was really fun. Something about the smell of a campfire and the sounds of crickets that make for the perfect relaxing environment.

CONGRATS KITTEN!  I love you! <3 <3 <3

So, that's that. Nothing too exciting. Hopefully my computer will be fixed and I can get back to blogging soon!!

Love to all you gals! xoxo

Edited to add: I just took 4 books out of the library: Waiting for Daisy, Making Babies, Inconceivable and The Infertility Cure. I'm tired of books/articles/websites on "how to get pregnant" -- I've read them ALL! Now I'm more into books on how to deal with your infertility. :)


Thursday, April 21, 2011

Fingers crossssssSSSssssssed!

Today went great! Just a quick update, I'll add some pics and some more flair tomorrow. ;)

It was so quick and easy! I got to the doctor's office a bit before my appointment time, 10:30am. I "emptied" my bladder, and got half-nakey and settled into the exam room for an ultrasound.

It felt like I waited for the nurse foreverrrrr. It was about 15 minutes. She came in with my washed "specimen" and told me our numbers - 200 MILLION!! With 75% motility. This is amazing. For Doug's initial analysis in January, his count was 40 million, which is still double what the "average" that they like to see is (20 million). She said 75% were moving, and moving really well. I was ecstatic about these great numbers.

I had to sign my name on everything. The cup that the specimen was in. Lots of paperwork. The packaging of my catheter. This is all to ensure (I'm sure) that you're getting the correct specimen! She now showed me all of my signatures and by golly, they were indeed mine, so that's good. ;)

Next came the ultrasound. The follicle on my right had started to shrink - 11mm on Monday, 9mm today. She switched the left side. There was my big monster follicle. And wait a second... what is that? She said. ANOTHER monster follicle. A 20mm and a 25mm!! Most likely the bigger one will release and the smaller one will start to shrink. But there is a possibility that they could both release.

The IUI itself felt like a slightly crampy and longer pap smear. First she inserted the speculum. Then she began the long process of hunting around for my cervix. I mean, she could see it, but for some reason when she would insert the catheter, it was hitting a wall. She had me cough twice to bring the cervix down further and straight. She ended up having to curve the end of the catheter into a "hook" to get it to go in right. There was no pain, some cramping but not horrible by any means. She got everything into place and deposited/injected the sperm. She slowly pulled the catheter out and inspected it to make sure she got all the little swimmers out. Then she instructed me to lay on the table for 10 minutes and then I could get up, get dressed and was all set to leave.

I was there for about an hour total. I've been reading so many first time IUI success stories. The main factor seems to be staying positive and distracted during the 2ww. I read that *a lot*. So that's what I'll be attempting to do! It's not going to be easy, considering I'm jobless. But next week is supposed to be really nice out, like REALLY nice out. So I'm thinking I'll head to the park or the beach with my friends, visit some girlfriends and their babes and just do whatever else I can to stay busy.

I came home after the procedure and laid down for about an hour. I'm pretty crampy and sore, but that could definitely be ovulation pain. It's not easy to pop out one or two big eggies! ;)

Keep your fingers crossed for us! Send lots of good thoughts/prayers/vibes/mojo this way, please!! <3 <3


Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Gasp!!!

A smiley face! A positive OPK! Meaning I'm going to ovulate tomorrow!!

Tomorrow is the big day! IUI day! I'm shocked - was not expecting a positive today. Ackkk!

Scared/nervous/excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Stolen!

I stole this from from "M" at This Space for Rent.




It's a specimen cup and the catheter/needle used for IUI. You can read more about the procedure here.

Here's hoping that it does = a baby!!!!!!! <3 <3


Alot :)

ALOT has happened since my last (real) post. ;)



First, yes. I was laid off from my job. They told me that there wasn't enough work and that they were eliminating my position. I cried and went home and slept.

The weekend was pretty stressful. I just kept thinking, "What am I supposed to do now?" My life was FAR from perfect, but we were managing. Paying our bills, making plans. I had thought often about finding something higher-paying and quitting my job, but never getting laid off and being without health insurance or a paycheck. It sucks. It really sucks.

I toyed around a bit with going back to school, which I still may eventually do, but Doug and I have decided what is best right now is to find a job. Realistically, almost any job will do right now. So I've been job searching.

I went to my RE's on Monday for an ultrasound. When you're on fertility drugs, you need to be monitored by ultrasound to make sure you're not overstimulated or developing cysts or anything else dangerous. I fully intended, and attempted, to let the doctor's office know that I was losing my health insurance at the end of this month and that we probably wouldn't be trying to get pregnant anymore.

When I told the nurse how much it sucked because I felt like we were "so close" and that we were going to try IUI next cycle, she casually said, "Well, we can add IUI this cycle if you want." I was floored. First of all - I just said we're not going to be trying anymore because I'm not going to have medical insurance! Secondly - I didn't know that you, a nurse, could just up and decide to add fertility treatments at any time. Well, I was intrigued, to say the least. This could be our chance!

It took a little convincing/compromise/pleading, but Doug agreed that we should try IUI. We figure, let's give it our all - we've worked really hard for the last 10 months and it's not fair that my company just decides when and how we should be able to have a baby.

I don't like the thought that I may be one of those women on government assistance, pregnant and jobless and living off of our country's dollar. But it's highly unlikely that that will happen. That would be worst-worst-worst case scenario. Most likely, I will find a job fairly quickly, and be offered health insurance after 90 days. If this IUI does work and I do become pregnant before a new employer's health insurance kicks in, there are programs that would allow me to get maternity care.

I'm ecstatic that we're taking this step this month. At my appointment on Monday, when looking at my right side, the nurse said I probably have a few days until ovulation. There was one 11mm follie and some other smaller ones. I said, "Yeah, I'm a slow grower. I usually don't ovulate until CD16." Then she looked at my left side. "Whoa," she said. "You definitely won't ovulate as late as then this month. You have a monster follicle." A nice big ripe 18mm follie, ready for ovulation. Woo hoo! One follie also decreases the (already slim) chance of multiples even more, which is great. I'm thinking I'll get a +OPK on CD14 and ovulate on CD15, Friday. I'm supposed to call the doctor's office when I get that smiley face and make our appointment for the next day.

Doug is slightly disappointed that I could possibly become pregnant while he's not even there! Which is strange, and I can see how a man would be disappointed in that. Fertility treatments are an amazing thing that science has allowed us to do. But it certainly takes the romance, surprise and "naturalness" if you will, out of the whole thing. But, like I said to him - you gotta do, what you gotta do! We want a baby more than anything, and if this is going to get us one, then by God we're gonna try it!

I've spent the last few days cleaning, packing, job searching, applying for unemployment benefits and relaxing. It has actually been pretty terrible. When you have a job, all you can think about is sleeping in or wanting a day off. As soon as you don't have one anymore, you're bored to tears! And I can't even sleep in! The latest I got was 9am, which isn't bad. But it's usually 7 or 8am, which sucks. And going to bed at night hasn't been easy either. I haven't done anything all day in which to be tired from!

I'll update when I get my smiley face. I can't believe we're just days away from fertility treatments. It's so surreal. Really really hoping for a 1/13/12 baby. <3

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Deleted.

I deleted my previous post because I don't feel like listening to a bunch of strangers bitch about it. It was (and still is) my opinion, and I don't give a shit what anyone else thinks. No one asks you to read my blog.

All I know is, once I get my miracle baby, I will treasure him or her forever. And if I am never able to have a second child, I will still feel blessed. Which is obviously more than I can say for some people.

Ungrateful - showing no gratitude. Thankless. Not feeling or exhibiting gratitude, thanks or appreciation.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Limbo-land

I haven't blogged in a few days, but that doesn't mean things have been slow. Basically - I may lose my job today or tomorrow. To me, it is a misunderstanding/mistake/typo. To my company, it could possibly be a breach of contract. I am in limbo land, just waiting to find out if I get to keep my job or not.

If I don't - it means I will lose my health insurance coverage and Doug and I won't be able to try and get pregnant anymore. We wouldn't be able to until I found a job (with health insurance), and even then they usually make new employees wait 90 days for their insurance to kick in. Which means if I lost my job today or tomorrow, we wouldn't be able to try again for at *least* 3-4 months. Maybe even longer. (Not to mention the obvious - we'd be without my paycheck. We would be able to survive on Doug's paycheck, but not for long. And not with the lifestyle we've become accustomed to.)

I am devastated. I've been walking around the past 3 days in a constant state of anxiety and nerves. It's really unhealthy for me. I had quit smoking on Sunday and after this drama, I've picked it back up again. I have no doubt that if I get to keep my job, I will quit again. If I lose my job - all bets are off.

Hopefully I'll find something out today. And hopefully it's good news. I will keep you updated. Please send prayers/thoughts/spells/positive vibes our way. :(




Monday, April 11, 2011

Patience

Borrowed from Aime.

Becoming a Mother

"There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle everyday for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him or her and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, or cry more tears of a broken dream.

My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that the world has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that the world leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better girlfriend, a better stepmom, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother..."


When the world says, "Give up," Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
~Author Unknown






Friday, April 8, 2011

What a difference a day makes.

I did tons and tons of research yesterday on getting healthy for this next cycle. Things I'm going to be doing/trying:


1. Quitting smoking - Sunday is my last day. I've quit before, cold turkey, that's usually not a problem. It's not picking it back up again months later that is usually an issue. Hopefully by "months later" I'll be pregnant and it won't be a concern!
2. Yoga - I LOVE Yoga. I haven't done it in a long time, but I've been researching good Yoga poses for fertility, so I'm excited to pick it back up again, and hopeful that it can help. :)
3. Acupuncture - I've read and heard great things about acupuncture. I went a few times in the past 2 months, but I'd like to try it again. If anything, it can't hurt!
4. Chiropractor - I've also heard some great things about chiropractic care and infertility. Again - it can't hurt!
5. Diet - No, I'm not going on a diet. But I am changing my diet. I eat/drink a lot of processed foods and non-natural sugars (think Juicy Juice). I've done a lot of research on superfoods for fertility (fruits, veggies, dark leafy greens), as well as things to stay away from (red meat, tap water, soy products).
6. Pre-natal - I've read both that women who take a pre-natal monthly are more likely to become pregnant, and the opposite - that it has no effect. However, it can't hurt. Plus, taken before pregnancy it can help prevent neural tube defects like spina bifida. I vow to try and take my pre-natal everyday this month.
7. Water - such a no brainer, but it's actually not that easy for me to drink the recommended amount of water daily (half your body weight in ounces). I did pretty well with this last month and had EWCM for the first time - maybe it helped! Again - CAN'T HURT! So I'm going to try and bring my water bottle with me and fill it up at least twice during my work day.
8. Relaxing - this is impossible and offensive. BUT I do have to admit, it seems to have worked for my BiFF, so.. I can't help but make a concentrated effort to be more relaxed this cycle. Maybe I'll schedule a massage, more time with my friends, and some retail therapy. :)
9. Positive thinking - I've been reading about the power of positive thinking. A website called Circle + Bloom really pushes this mindset. "Our programs are based on extensive research that shows the power of visualization, along with the brain-body connection, can play a key role in health, including reproductive health. Because the body cannot tell the difference between what it is actually experiencing versus what you are only visualizing, we can essentially communicate directly with our body and instruct it to function in a certain way. These techniques have been used to help people with cancer, high blood pressure, back pain, and now it is finally brought to you to help reproductive health." I think it makes sense, and again - can't hurt! I'm a big worrier. Lots of anxiety. Always over analyzing and imagining "what if". I think it makes a lot of sense that your body thinks you're actually going through something if you're constantly worrying about it, or just worrying in general. Anxiety changes your hormones, and getting pregnant is all about hormones. This is going to be the toughest thing to change, but I'm going to do my best.


Hoping for a January 2012 baby! :D




AMAZING!

I'm not at liberty to discuss how I came across this information, but I learned today that not only is there a program where New York State pays your IVF costs -- but MY infertility clinic is one of only TWELVE in New York State that participates!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, we're not ready for IVF yet. Probably about a year away. I figure 1 more Femara cycle, at least 3 IUIs if not more. Our doctor may want to try injectables, who knows. So I'd say we're 6 months - 1 year away from IVF. BUT - the point is, this is ridiculously amazing news. To even have the OPPORTUNITY for free IVF is crazy.

Basically the program was created with leftover "tobacco" money, whatever that means, by Governor Pataki. The program ran from April 2008 - March 2010. 8 or 9 women at my clinic participated. According to my fertility clinic, New York state made these women wait a YEAR for their money, and therefore a year for their IVF treatment. Clearly, the program wasn't perfect even when it was running. My clinic is unaware as to whether there is money left or if the program is even still running. Since the program ended, every Governor has been trying to get their hands on the money.

BUT the point is - IF the program is still running and there is still money left, MY fertility clinic is going to get some, and I'M on the list of a few gals to be informed if/when this does happen. That is AMAZING! I truly almost cried when I heard about it. I know, I know - we're not at IVF yet. BUT if we get there, it's nice to know that we could *possibly* be getting some financial help with it.

Keep your fingers crossed (that we never need IVF, first of all) that they keep up with this program!!!!!

NYS Infertility Demonstration Project




Thursday, April 7, 2011

How does it feel to be infertile?

My therapist asked me this the other day. Hearing myself referred to as "infertile" for the first time pierced my heart. I quickly corrected her that since we haven't been trying for 1 year yet, we're not technically infertile yet. I'm hoping it happens in the next month or two, and that we never get that stamp of defeat.

I'm stil angry about this month. I'm not yet ready to spring into optimism and start charting out when I'll be taking my Femara and when I'll be heading to the doctors for ultrasounds. Not yet ready to look at our estimated due date (okay, that's a lie - 1/12/12), or even to really start talking to my friends again. I'm still angry, jealous, frustrated, angry, sad, depressed and angry. Did I mention angry? I so desperately want to be part of the "cool kids club", also known in this context as the "Graduates" club. Meaning you've graduated from TTC. I feel like I've failed my senior year 9 times. And it's depressing to think that I can try as hard as I possibly can, and still fail a 10th time, while my friends go off to college without me.

I don't want to hear, "It'll happen soon, I promise!" or, "You're next, I know it!" or, "This will be your month, don't worry." I will worry, you can't promise that, and you DON'T know that! Everyone means well. Doug, my friends, my mom. And I appreciate their efforts. But they're not the ones drowning. And no, as Doug pointed out, I'm not going to drowned. I'm not going to die. But I may never get what I want, and that - that kills me inside.

I will pull out of this slump. I always do. Soon I'll be blogging about how optimistic I am, and what my plan is for cycle #10. But for now, I'm focusing on the positives. Living for today, as my therapist suggested. Today is CD1.

Top 10 Reasons I'm Glad I'm Not Pregnant

1. I don't have morning sickness! Yay! I'm thinking I'll have pretty bad m/s when I'm pregnant, so I'm looking forward to at least 30 more days of not being sick. :)
2. I don't have to be careful of what I lift. I lift things all month long (heavy laundry baskets, full mail bins and boxes at work) with the worry that I might be hurting a potential baby. Now I can lift away without worry.
3. I can drink this weekend with my friends! I'm not a big drinker. But it's nice to have the option there if I want it.
4. I skipped my pre-natal. I vow to try and take my pre-natal religiously this month.
5. I won't have a Christmas baby. Although after a while, you don't care WHEN your due date is - a Christmas baby was probably my least preferred. What a hectic holiday that would have been!
6. I have more time to pay off bills and save money. Enough said!
7. I have more time to get into our new house. I can't WAIT to get into our new house! (1 month, 3 weeks, 4 days!!!) Now I can devote 100% to cleaning, organizing, purging, packing and decorating!!
8. I didn't steal my BiFF's thunder. :) Although it would have been neat (read = amazing/awesome/perfect) to get our BFPs the same month, at least she gets her OWN thunder for her BFP, and her own thunder for her due date and the birth. She deserves that. :)
9. I have more time to get healthy. Physically, emotionally and mentally. I'm starting Yoga up again, which I love, and I'm seeing a therapist. She specializes in infertility, but we're working on helping me to deal with some anger issues I have from things that happened to me in the past. The anger is brewing inside me all the time, but normally I'm so optimistic and bubbly that I push it down (and don't deal with it - that's part of the problem). When the time comes during the month that I realize I'm not pregnant, that anger just bursts out. I can no longer control it or cover it with my perkiness and smiling fae. I become this mean, angry person and I hate it. She's helping me to find some better coping skills, which will not only help me on our infertility journey (should it be much longer) but in dealing with life in general.
10. Every month I have to wait makes me more sure that once I'm FINALLY pregnant - I will be even more grateful than I would have been if it happened this month, or last.




P.S. (Edited to Add): I'm reading an e-book on infertility, and saw a statement that confirmed what I've thought and said before on this blog. "The longer a couple has been trying to conceive without success, the lesser their chances of getting pregnant without medical help."  It's sad, but true. I knew it, but I wish now that I was wrong.  

P.P.S I need to remember that "feelings are not facts". Just because I feel like I'll never get pregnant, does not make it true. Feelings are not facts.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Some funnies to lighten the mood.

I think even my blog is starting to lose interest in things she once enjoyed. So here are some funnies to lighten the mood. :)


(This ^ is SO me.)







(..and then after a while.....)




(Also ^, so me.)

damn you auto correct funny iphone fails and blunders

damn you auto correct funny iphone fails and blunders

damn you auto correct funny iphone fails and blunders

damn you auto correct funny iphone fails and blunders

(Wouldn't be that funny except for the end ^, lmfao.)



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