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Thursday, April 21, 2011

Fingers crossssssSSSssssssed!

Today went great! Just a quick update, I'll add some pics and some more flair tomorrow. ;)

It was so quick and easy! I got to the doctor's office a bit before my appointment time, 10:30am. I "emptied" my bladder, and got half-nakey and settled into the exam room for an ultrasound.

It felt like I waited for the nurse foreverrrrr. It was about 15 minutes. She came in with my washed "specimen" and told me our numbers - 200 MILLION!! With 75% motility. This is amazing. For Doug's initial analysis in January, his count was 40 million, which is still double what the "average" that they like to see is (20 million). She said 75% were moving, and moving really well. I was ecstatic about these great numbers.

I had to sign my name on everything. The cup that the specimen was in. Lots of paperwork. The packaging of my catheter. This is all to ensure (I'm sure) that you're getting the correct specimen! She now showed me all of my signatures and by golly, they were indeed mine, so that's good. ;)

Next came the ultrasound. The follicle on my right had started to shrink - 11mm on Monday, 9mm today. She switched the left side. There was my big monster follicle. And wait a second... what is that? She said. ANOTHER monster follicle. A 20mm and a 25mm!! Most likely the bigger one will release and the smaller one will start to shrink. But there is a possibility that they could both release.

The IUI itself felt like a slightly crampy and longer pap smear. First she inserted the speculum. Then she began the long process of hunting around for my cervix. I mean, she could see it, but for some reason when she would insert the catheter, it was hitting a wall. She had me cough twice to bring the cervix down further and straight. She ended up having to curve the end of the catheter into a "hook" to get it to go in right. There was no pain, some cramping but not horrible by any means. She got everything into place and deposited/injected the sperm. She slowly pulled the catheter out and inspected it to make sure she got all the little swimmers out. Then she instructed me to lay on the table for 10 minutes and then I could get up, get dressed and was all set to leave.

I was there for about an hour total. I've been reading so many first time IUI success stories. The main factor seems to be staying positive and distracted during the 2ww. I read that *a lot*. So that's what I'll be attempting to do! It's not going to be easy, considering I'm jobless. But next week is supposed to be really nice out, like REALLY nice out. So I'm thinking I'll head to the park or the beach with my friends, visit some girlfriends and their babes and just do whatever else I can to stay busy.

I came home after the procedure and laid down for about an hour. I'm pretty crampy and sore, but that could definitely be ovulation pain. It's not easy to pop out one or two big eggies! ;)

Keep your fingers crossed for us! Send lots of good thoughts/prayers/vibes/mojo this way, please!! <3 <3


Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Gasp!!!

A smiley face! A positive OPK! Meaning I'm going to ovulate tomorrow!!

Tomorrow is the big day! IUI day! I'm shocked - was not expecting a positive today. Ackkk!

Scared/nervous/excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Stolen!

I stole this from from "M" at This Space for Rent.




It's a specimen cup and the catheter/needle used for IUI. You can read more about the procedure here.

Here's hoping that it does = a baby!!!!!!! <3 <3


Alot :)

ALOT has happened since my last (real) post. ;)



First, yes. I was laid off from my job. They told me that there wasn't enough work and that they were eliminating my position. I cried and went home and slept.

The weekend was pretty stressful. I just kept thinking, "What am I supposed to do now?" My life was FAR from perfect, but we were managing. Paying our bills, making plans. I had thought often about finding something higher-paying and quitting my job, but never getting laid off and being without health insurance or a paycheck. It sucks. It really sucks.

I toyed around a bit with going back to school, which I still may eventually do, but Doug and I have decided what is best right now is to find a job. Realistically, almost any job will do right now. So I've been job searching.

I went to my RE's on Monday for an ultrasound. When you're on fertility drugs, you need to be monitored by ultrasound to make sure you're not overstimulated or developing cysts or anything else dangerous. I fully intended, and attempted, to let the doctor's office know that I was losing my health insurance at the end of this month and that we probably wouldn't be trying to get pregnant anymore.

When I told the nurse how much it sucked because I felt like we were "so close" and that we were going to try IUI next cycle, she casually said, "Well, we can add IUI this cycle if you want." I was floored. First of all - I just said we're not going to be trying anymore because I'm not going to have medical insurance! Secondly - I didn't know that you, a nurse, could just up and decide to add fertility treatments at any time. Well, I was intrigued, to say the least. This could be our chance!

It took a little convincing/compromise/pleading, but Doug agreed that we should try IUI. We figure, let's give it our all - we've worked really hard for the last 10 months and it's not fair that my company just decides when and how we should be able to have a baby.

I don't like the thought that I may be one of those women on government assistance, pregnant and jobless and living off of our country's dollar. But it's highly unlikely that that will happen. That would be worst-worst-worst case scenario. Most likely, I will find a job fairly quickly, and be offered health insurance after 90 days. If this IUI does work and I do become pregnant before a new employer's health insurance kicks in, there are programs that would allow me to get maternity care.

I'm ecstatic that we're taking this step this month. At my appointment on Monday, when looking at my right side, the nurse said I probably have a few days until ovulation. There was one 11mm follie and some other smaller ones. I said, "Yeah, I'm a slow grower. I usually don't ovulate until CD16." Then she looked at my left side. "Whoa," she said. "You definitely won't ovulate as late as then this month. You have a monster follicle." A nice big ripe 18mm follie, ready for ovulation. Woo hoo! One follie also decreases the (already slim) chance of multiples even more, which is great. I'm thinking I'll get a +OPK on CD14 and ovulate on CD15, Friday. I'm supposed to call the doctor's office when I get that smiley face and make our appointment for the next day.

Doug is slightly disappointed that I could possibly become pregnant while he's not even there! Which is strange, and I can see how a man would be disappointed in that. Fertility treatments are an amazing thing that science has allowed us to do. But it certainly takes the romance, surprise and "naturalness" if you will, out of the whole thing. But, like I said to him - you gotta do, what you gotta do! We want a baby more than anything, and if this is going to get us one, then by God we're gonna try it!

I've spent the last few days cleaning, packing, job searching, applying for unemployment benefits and relaxing. It has actually been pretty terrible. When you have a job, all you can think about is sleeping in or wanting a day off. As soon as you don't have one anymore, you're bored to tears! And I can't even sleep in! The latest I got was 9am, which isn't bad. But it's usually 7 or 8am, which sucks. And going to bed at night hasn't been easy either. I haven't done anything all day in which to be tired from!

I'll update when I get my smiley face. I can't believe we're just days away from fertility treatments. It's so surreal. Really really hoping for a 1/13/12 baby. <3

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Deleted.

I deleted my previous post because I don't feel like listening to a bunch of strangers bitch about it. It was (and still is) my opinion, and I don't give a shit what anyone else thinks. No one asks you to read my blog.

All I know is, once I get my miracle baby, I will treasure him or her forever. And if I am never able to have a second child, I will still feel blessed. Which is obviously more than I can say for some people.

Ungrateful - showing no gratitude. Thankless. Not feeling or exhibiting gratitude, thanks or appreciation.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Limbo-land

I haven't blogged in a few days, but that doesn't mean things have been slow. Basically - I may lose my job today or tomorrow. To me, it is a misunderstanding/mistake/typo. To my company, it could possibly be a breach of contract. I am in limbo land, just waiting to find out if I get to keep my job or not.

If I don't - it means I will lose my health insurance coverage and Doug and I won't be able to try and get pregnant anymore. We wouldn't be able to until I found a job (with health insurance), and even then they usually make new employees wait 90 days for their insurance to kick in. Which means if I lost my job today or tomorrow, we wouldn't be able to try again for at *least* 3-4 months. Maybe even longer. (Not to mention the obvious - we'd be without my paycheck. We would be able to survive on Doug's paycheck, but not for long. And not with the lifestyle we've become accustomed to.)

I am devastated. I've been walking around the past 3 days in a constant state of anxiety and nerves. It's really unhealthy for me. I had quit smoking on Sunday and after this drama, I've picked it back up again. I have no doubt that if I get to keep my job, I will quit again. If I lose my job - all bets are off.

Hopefully I'll find something out today. And hopefully it's good news. I will keep you updated. Please send prayers/thoughts/spells/positive vibes our way. :(




Monday, April 11, 2011

Patience

Borrowed from Aime.

Becoming a Mother

"There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle everyday for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him or her and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, or cry more tears of a broken dream.

My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that the world has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that the world leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better girlfriend, a better stepmom, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother..."


When the world says, "Give up," Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
~Author Unknown






Friday, April 8, 2011

What a difference a day makes.

I did tons and tons of research yesterday on getting healthy for this next cycle. Things I'm going to be doing/trying:


1. Quitting smoking - Sunday is my last day. I've quit before, cold turkey, that's usually not a problem. It's not picking it back up again months later that is usually an issue. Hopefully by "months later" I'll be pregnant and it won't be a concern!
2. Yoga - I LOVE Yoga. I haven't done it in a long time, but I've been researching good Yoga poses for fertility, so I'm excited to pick it back up again, and hopeful that it can help. :)
3. Acupuncture - I've read and heard great things about acupuncture. I went a few times in the past 2 months, but I'd like to try it again. If anything, it can't hurt!
4. Chiropractor - I've also heard some great things about chiropractic care and infertility. Again - it can't hurt!
5. Diet - No, I'm not going on a diet. But I am changing my diet. I eat/drink a lot of processed foods and non-natural sugars (think Juicy Juice). I've done a lot of research on superfoods for fertility (fruits, veggies, dark leafy greens), as well as things to stay away from (red meat, tap water, soy products).
6. Pre-natal - I've read both that women who take a pre-natal monthly are more likely to become pregnant, and the opposite - that it has no effect. However, it can't hurt. Plus, taken before pregnancy it can help prevent neural tube defects like spina bifida. I vow to try and take my pre-natal everyday this month.
7. Water - such a no brainer, but it's actually not that easy for me to drink the recommended amount of water daily (half your body weight in ounces). I did pretty well with this last month and had EWCM for the first time - maybe it helped! Again - CAN'T HURT! So I'm going to try and bring my water bottle with me and fill it up at least twice during my work day.
8. Relaxing - this is impossible and offensive. BUT I do have to admit, it seems to have worked for my BiFF, so.. I can't help but make a concentrated effort to be more relaxed this cycle. Maybe I'll schedule a massage, more time with my friends, and some retail therapy. :)
9. Positive thinking - I've been reading about the power of positive thinking. A website called Circle + Bloom really pushes this mindset. "Our programs are based on extensive research that shows the power of visualization, along with the brain-body connection, can play a key role in health, including reproductive health. Because the body cannot tell the difference between what it is actually experiencing versus what you are only visualizing, we can essentially communicate directly with our body and instruct it to function in a certain way. These techniques have been used to help people with cancer, high blood pressure, back pain, and now it is finally brought to you to help reproductive health." I think it makes sense, and again - can't hurt! I'm a big worrier. Lots of anxiety. Always over analyzing and imagining "what if". I think it makes a lot of sense that your body thinks you're actually going through something if you're constantly worrying about it, or just worrying in general. Anxiety changes your hormones, and getting pregnant is all about hormones. This is going to be the toughest thing to change, but I'm going to do my best.


Hoping for a January 2012 baby! :D




AMAZING!

I'm not at liberty to discuss how I came across this information, but I learned today that not only is there a program where New York State pays your IVF costs -- but MY infertility clinic is one of only TWELVE in New York State that participates!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, we're not ready for IVF yet. Probably about a year away. I figure 1 more Femara cycle, at least 3 IUIs if not more. Our doctor may want to try injectables, who knows. So I'd say we're 6 months - 1 year away from IVF. BUT - the point is, this is ridiculously amazing news. To even have the OPPORTUNITY for free IVF is crazy.

Basically the program was created with leftover "tobacco" money, whatever that means, by Governor Pataki. The program ran from April 2008 - March 2010. 8 or 9 women at my clinic participated. According to my fertility clinic, New York state made these women wait a YEAR for their money, and therefore a year for their IVF treatment. Clearly, the program wasn't perfect even when it was running. My clinic is unaware as to whether there is money left or if the program is even still running. Since the program ended, every Governor has been trying to get their hands on the money.

BUT the point is - IF the program is still running and there is still money left, MY fertility clinic is going to get some, and I'M on the list of a few gals to be informed if/when this does happen. That is AMAZING! I truly almost cried when I heard about it. I know, I know - we're not at IVF yet. BUT if we get there, it's nice to know that we could *possibly* be getting some financial help with it.

Keep your fingers crossed (that we never need IVF, first of all) that they keep up with this program!!!!!

NYS Infertility Demonstration Project




Thursday, April 7, 2011

How does it feel to be infertile?

My therapist asked me this the other day. Hearing myself referred to as "infertile" for the first time pierced my heart. I quickly corrected her that since we haven't been trying for 1 year yet, we're not technically infertile yet. I'm hoping it happens in the next month or two, and that we never get that stamp of defeat.

I'm stil angry about this month. I'm not yet ready to spring into optimism and start charting out when I'll be taking my Femara and when I'll be heading to the doctors for ultrasounds. Not yet ready to look at our estimated due date (okay, that's a lie - 1/12/12), or even to really start talking to my friends again. I'm still angry, jealous, frustrated, angry, sad, depressed and angry. Did I mention angry? I so desperately want to be part of the "cool kids club", also known in this context as the "Graduates" club. Meaning you've graduated from TTC. I feel like I've failed my senior year 9 times. And it's depressing to think that I can try as hard as I possibly can, and still fail a 10th time, while my friends go off to college without me.

I don't want to hear, "It'll happen soon, I promise!" or, "You're next, I know it!" or, "This will be your month, don't worry." I will worry, you can't promise that, and you DON'T know that! Everyone means well. Doug, my friends, my mom. And I appreciate their efforts. But they're not the ones drowning. And no, as Doug pointed out, I'm not going to drowned. I'm not going to die. But I may never get what I want, and that - that kills me inside.

I will pull out of this slump. I always do. Soon I'll be blogging about how optimistic I am, and what my plan is for cycle #10. But for now, I'm focusing on the positives. Living for today, as my therapist suggested. Today is CD1.

Top 10 Reasons I'm Glad I'm Not Pregnant

1. I don't have morning sickness! Yay! I'm thinking I'll have pretty bad m/s when I'm pregnant, so I'm looking forward to at least 30 more days of not being sick. :)
2. I don't have to be careful of what I lift. I lift things all month long (heavy laundry baskets, full mail bins and boxes at work) with the worry that I might be hurting a potential baby. Now I can lift away without worry.
3. I can drink this weekend with my friends! I'm not a big drinker. But it's nice to have the option there if I want it.
4. I skipped my pre-natal. I vow to try and take my pre-natal religiously this month.
5. I won't have a Christmas baby. Although after a while, you don't care WHEN your due date is - a Christmas baby was probably my least preferred. What a hectic holiday that would have been!
6. I have more time to pay off bills and save money. Enough said!
7. I have more time to get into our new house. I can't WAIT to get into our new house! (1 month, 3 weeks, 4 days!!!) Now I can devote 100% to cleaning, organizing, purging, packing and decorating!!
8. I didn't steal my BiFF's thunder. :) Although it would have been neat (read = amazing/awesome/perfect) to get our BFPs the same month, at least she gets her OWN thunder for her BFP, and her own thunder for her due date and the birth. She deserves that. :)
9. I have more time to get healthy. Physically, emotionally and mentally. I'm starting Yoga up again, which I love, and I'm seeing a therapist. She specializes in infertility, but we're working on helping me to deal with some anger issues I have from things that happened to me in the past. The anger is brewing inside me all the time, but normally I'm so optimistic and bubbly that I push it down (and don't deal with it - that's part of the problem). When the time comes during the month that I realize I'm not pregnant, that anger just bursts out. I can no longer control it or cover it with my perkiness and smiling fae. I become this mean, angry person and I hate it. She's helping me to find some better coping skills, which will not only help me on our infertility journey (should it be much longer) but in dealing with life in general.
10. Every month I have to wait makes me more sure that once I'm FINALLY pregnant - I will be even more grateful than I would have been if it happened this month, or last.




P.S. (Edited to Add): I'm reading an e-book on infertility, and saw a statement that confirmed what I've thought and said before on this blog. "The longer a couple has been trying to conceive without success, the lesser their chances of getting pregnant without medical help."  It's sad, but true. I knew it, but I wish now that I was wrong.  

P.P.S I need to remember that "feelings are not facts". Just because I feel like I'll never get pregnant, does not make it true. Feelings are not facts.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Some funnies to lighten the mood.

I think even my blog is starting to lose interest in things she once enjoyed. So here are some funnies to lighten the mood. :)


(This ^ is SO me.)







(..and then after a while.....)




(Also ^, so me.)

damn you auto correct funny iphone fails and blunders

damn you auto correct funny iphone fails and blunders

damn you auto correct funny iphone fails and blunders

damn you auto correct funny iphone fails and blunders

(Wouldn't be that funny except for the end ^, lmfao.)



Article

"I want to share my feelings about infertility with you, because I want you to understand my struggle. I know that understanding infertility is difficult; there are times when it seems even I don’t understand. This struggle has provoked intense and unfamiliar feelings in me and I fear that my reactions to these feelings might be misunderstood. I hope my ability to cope and your ability to understand will improve as I share my feelings with you. I want you to understand.

You may describe me this way: obsessed, moody, helpless, depressed, envious, too serious, obnoxious, aggressive, antagonistic, and cynical. These aren't very admirable traits; no wonder your understanding of my infertility is difficult. I prefer to describe me this way: confused, rushed and impatient, afraid, isolated and alone, guilty and ashamed, angry, sad and hopeless, and unsettled.

My Infertility makes me feel confused. I always assumed I was fertile. I’ve spent years avoiding pregnancy and now it seems ironic that I can’t conceive. I hope this will be a brief difficulty with a simple solution such as poor timing. I feel confused about whether I want to be pregnant or whether I want to be a parent. Surely if I try harder, try longer, try better and smarter, I will have a baby.

My infertility makes me feel rushed and impatient. I learned of my infertility only after I’d been trying to become pregnant for some time. My life-plan suddenly is behind schedule. I waited to become a parent and now I must wait again.

I wait for medical appointments, wait for tests, wait for treatments, wait for other treatments, wait for my period not to come, wait for my partner not to be out of town and wait for pregnancy. At best, I have only twelve opportunities each year. How old will I be when I finish having my family?

My infertility makes me feel afraid. Infertility is full of unknowns, and I’m frightened because I need some definite answers. How long will this last? What if I’m never a parent? What humiliation must I endure? What pain must I suffer? Why do drugs I take to help me, make me feel worse? Why can’t my body do the things that my mind wants it to do? Why do I hurt so much? I’m afraid of my feelings, afraid of my undependable body and afraid of my future.

My infertility makes me feel isolated and alone. Reminders of babies are everywhere. I must be the only one enduring this invisible curse. I stay away from others, because everything makes me hurt. No one knows how horrible my pain is. Even though I’m usually a clear thinker, I find myself being lured by superstitions and promises, I think I’m losing perspective. I fell so alone and I wonder if I’ll survive this.

My infertility makes me feel guilty and ashamed. Frequently I forget that infertility is a medical problem and should be treated as one. Infertility destroys my self esteem and I feel like a failure. Why am I being punished? What did I do to deserve this? Am I not worthy of a baby? Am I not a good sexual partner? Will my partner want to remain with me? Is this the end of my family lineage? Will my family be ashamed of me? It is easy to lose selfconfidence and feel ashamed.

My infertility makes me feel angry. Everything makes me angry, and I know much of my anger is misdirected. I’m angry at my body because it has betrayed me even thought I’ve always taken care of it. I’m angry at my partner because we can’t seem to feel the same about infertility at the same time. I want and need an advocate to help me.

I’m angry at my family because they’ve always sheltered and protected me from terrible pain. My younger sibling is pregnant; my mother wants a family reunion to show off her grandchildren and my grandparents want to pass down family heirlooms. I’m angry at my medical caregivers, because it seems that they control my future. They humiliate me, inflict pain on me, pry into my privacy, patronize me, and sometimes forget who I am. How can I impress on them how important parenting is to me?

I’m angry at my expenses; infertility treatment is extremely expensive. My financial resources may determine my family size. My insurance company isn’t cooperative , and I must make so many sacrifices to pay the medical bills. I can’t go to a specialist, because it means more travel time, more missed work, and greater expenses. Finally, I’m angry at everyone else. Everyone has opinions about my inability to become a parent. Everyone has easy solutions. Everyone seems to know too little and say too much.

My Infertility makes me feel sad and hopeless. Infertility feels like I’ve lost my future, and no one knows of my sadness. I feel hopeless; infertility robs me of my energy. I’ve never cried so much nor so easily. I’m sad that my infertility places my marriage under so much strain. I’m sad that my infertility requires me to be so selfcentered. I’m sad that I've ignored any friendships because this struggle hurts so much and demands so much energy. Friends with children prefer the company of other families with children. I’m surrounded by babies, pregnant women, playgrounds, baby showers, birth stories, kids’ movies, birthday parties and much more. I feel so sad and hopeless.

My infertility makes me feel unsettled. My life is on hold. Making decisions about my immediate and my long-term future seems impossible. I can’t decide about education, career, purchasing a home, pursuing a hobby, getting a pet, vacations, business trips and houseguests. The more I struggle with my infertility, the less control I have. This struggle has no timetable; the treatments have no guarantees. The only sure things are that I need to be near my partner at fertile times and near my doctor at treatment times. Should I pursue adoption? Should I take expensive drugs? Should I pursue more specialized and costly medical intervention? It feels unsettling to have no clear, easy answers or guarantees.

Occasionally I feel my panic subside. I’m learning some helpful ways to cope; I’m now convinced I’m not crazy, and I believe I’ll survive. I’m learning to listen to my body and be assertive, not aggressive, about my needs. I’m realizing that good medical care and good emotional care are not necessarily found in the same place. I’m trying to be more than an infertile person gaining enthusiasm, joyfulness, and zest for life."

This brochure was adapted from materials prepared by Jody Earle and the Educational Materials Advisory Committee of the Ferre Institute, Derwent A. Suthers, editor. The Ferre Institute is a non-profit organization dedicated to education about infertility.

http://www.infertilityeducation.org/

No one said life was fair, but why the fuck not?

I just can't even function anymore. I'm so devastated. I can't do it anymore. No more baby things. Nothing baby related. Done.

It fucking sucks, because on one hand I want to completely forget about TTC. But, I can't. I have bloodwork and ultrasounds and I'm on fertility meds. I have acupuncture appointments, infertility meetings, infertility therapist sessions, and I still have to temp and track my CM and cycle so that we're BDing on the right days. I can't fucking forget about it because it consumes EVERYTHING.

I am SO ecstatic that my BiFF (best internet friend forever <3) got her BFP. I truly can't imagine how I'll react when it's my own because I got SO freaking excited about hers! She had been trying for a LONG time and deserves this SO MUCH. (Keeping her identity secret in case her friends wander from her blog to mine! I don't wanna spill the news ;).....)

However. Now.. I feel very, very alone. She was with me during my entire journey, and now.. I feel like I'm the last one left in our group that has never had a BFP. And but for one, I am. I hated that this best friend of mine had such a slim chance of conceiving. I felt terrible for her for the fact that people felt bad for her! No one wants to have an issue that everyone feels bad for. And now, I feel like I'm the girl in the group that gets the pity - aw, poor little Kelly. She'll probably never get pregnant. I know that's not the case. Everyone is super sweet and optimistic, but I mean... come the fuck on. Doug and I have each had successful offspring. All of our tests have come back completely normal. I ovulate every month, and I don't have a lutal phase defect. EVERYTHING IS PERFECT. 10 months now. TEN months. And nothing. It's fucking ridiculous.

I'm so ANGRY about it. I'm depressed and I'm angry and I'm frustrated and I'm jealous and I hate it. I hate that TTC has made me this way. Taken away the pure joy I should feel for my friend. Taken away the "Aw, so cute!" feelings I used to have when I saw a baby or pregnant woman. Replaced by anger, jealousy and resentment.

I truly don't know what to do. I'm fucking EXHAUSTED at throwing myself 100% into figuring out what to do better next month, or being optimistic. Staying optimistic for this long is like running a marathon. I'm done. I'm tired. It's gotten old. But, what's the other option? Give up? That's not going to get me the baby I want. That I so desperately want. So I look forward to another month of wild emotions, doctor's appointment, drugs, acupuncture, meditation, yoga, massages, "affirmations", crazy diets, crazy positions, yada yada yada.

I honestly completely and 100% feel I'll never be able to get pregnant. I truly believe this. It scares the fucking shit out of me and hurts me more than anything. I've been through a lot in my life, but this is the worst. I feel robbed, cheated. It's not fair. It's just not fair.

I just can't fucking believe that not only was I NOT pregnant by 2011. I'm NOT even going to have a baby in 2011. That is so absolutely and terrifyingly sad. :( :(

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Blah.

Just bummed and depressed. I want to post but I don't have the energy to do much of anything.

I saw an infertility therapist last night (a counselor who specializes in infertility). She recommended I live in "now", as opposed to "what might be...". It's going to be a big change. I don't know if I'm ready for it. I like thinking of baby names. I like searching on Etsy for cute baby items, and adding items to my registry on Amazon. I like planning the nursery, and how I'll tell Doug and my family the great news. I understand what she means, and I completely understand why it's more healthy to live in "now". But, "now" is so depressing. "Now" I'm not pregnant and sad. I like to live in "what might be..." because I imagine myself happier then.

So, what makes me happy right now is to post about my ideas for the future. I'd like to try and take a break from all things baby related, but I did that yesterday, so I think I deserve some happiness today.

These are some items that I love, boy or girl:
I love this 4-in-1 crib/changing table/dresser combo from Walmart ($249). 


Also love this 4-in-1 crib/mattress combo from Walmart for $159.





I already have the adorable owl salt & pepper shakers (Ebay), that will most likely sit on the dresser.

The adorable stuffed owl is an item from Etsy that is sold, but I'm hoping she will make a similar piece at some point. :)

The owl artwork is also from Etsy, and I think it's just adorable.

Doug said he would build something similar to these shelves for me. :)


I love this Etsy piece. I figure a pink heart for a girl, a green or blue heart for a boy. :)


I'm LOVING these owl books - I figure one or two can stand on the dresser, an especially cute one's cover can be framed, or they can just be for reading pleasure. They're just too cute! ( I have 11 owl books on my registry, lol, I just picked a few to share here.)



Adorable picture frames:


("Granny's Are Great" brag book & photo album)






Here are some items I'm loving for a boy:


(Only the waste basket in this pic ^.)




(4 piece crib bedding set ^.)


Some items I'm loving for a girl:


(4 piece crib bedding set ^.)



I may not be pregnant this month, I may not get pregnant next month. But it will happen. I just need to keep believing.

P.S. Just found this on Etsy -- I really hope we have a little one that gets to wear it. How true it will be!!



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