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Thursday, April 7, 2011

How does it feel to be infertile?

My therapist asked me this the other day. Hearing myself referred to as "infertile" for the first time pierced my heart. I quickly corrected her that since we haven't been trying for 1 year yet, we're not technically infertile yet. I'm hoping it happens in the next month or two, and that we never get that stamp of defeat.

I'm stil angry about this month. I'm not yet ready to spring into optimism and start charting out when I'll be taking my Femara and when I'll be heading to the doctors for ultrasounds. Not yet ready to look at our estimated due date (okay, that's a lie - 1/12/12), or even to really start talking to my friends again. I'm still angry, jealous, frustrated, angry, sad, depressed and angry. Did I mention angry? I so desperately want to be part of the "cool kids club", also known in this context as the "Graduates" club. Meaning you've graduated from TTC. I feel like I've failed my senior year 9 times. And it's depressing to think that I can try as hard as I possibly can, and still fail a 10th time, while my friends go off to college without me.

I don't want to hear, "It'll happen soon, I promise!" or, "You're next, I know it!" or, "This will be your month, don't worry." I will worry, you can't promise that, and you DON'T know that! Everyone means well. Doug, my friends, my mom. And I appreciate their efforts. But they're not the ones drowning. And no, as Doug pointed out, I'm not going to drowned. I'm not going to die. But I may never get what I want, and that - that kills me inside.

I will pull out of this slump. I always do. Soon I'll be blogging about how optimistic I am, and what my plan is for cycle #10. But for now, I'm focusing on the positives. Living for today, as my therapist suggested. Today is CD1.

Top 10 Reasons I'm Glad I'm Not Pregnant

1. I don't have morning sickness! Yay! I'm thinking I'll have pretty bad m/s when I'm pregnant, so I'm looking forward to at least 30 more days of not being sick. :)
2. I don't have to be careful of what I lift. I lift things all month long (heavy laundry baskets, full mail bins and boxes at work) with the worry that I might be hurting a potential baby. Now I can lift away without worry.
3. I can drink this weekend with my friends! I'm not a big drinker. But it's nice to have the option there if I want it.
4. I skipped my pre-natal. I vow to try and take my pre-natal religiously this month.
5. I won't have a Christmas baby. Although after a while, you don't care WHEN your due date is - a Christmas baby was probably my least preferred. What a hectic holiday that would have been!
6. I have more time to pay off bills and save money. Enough said!
7. I have more time to get into our new house. I can't WAIT to get into our new house! (1 month, 3 weeks, 4 days!!!) Now I can devote 100% to cleaning, organizing, purging, packing and decorating!!
8. I didn't steal my BiFF's thunder. :) Although it would have been neat (read = amazing/awesome/perfect) to get our BFPs the same month, at least she gets her OWN thunder for her BFP, and her own thunder for her due date and the birth. She deserves that. :)
9. I have more time to get healthy. Physically, emotionally and mentally. I'm starting Yoga up again, which I love, and I'm seeing a therapist. She specializes in infertility, but we're working on helping me to deal with some anger issues I have from things that happened to me in the past. The anger is brewing inside me all the time, but normally I'm so optimistic and bubbly that I push it down (and don't deal with it - that's part of the problem). When the time comes during the month that I realize I'm not pregnant, that anger just bursts out. I can no longer control it or cover it with my perkiness and smiling fae. I become this mean, angry person and I hate it. She's helping me to find some better coping skills, which will not only help me on our infertility journey (should it be much longer) but in dealing with life in general.
10. Every month I have to wait makes me more sure that once I'm FINALLY pregnant - I will be even more grateful than I would have been if it happened this month, or last.

P.S. (Edited to Add): I'm reading an e-book on infertility, and saw a statement that confirmed what I've thought and said before on this blog. "The longer a couple has been trying to conceive without success, the lesser their chances of getting pregnant without medical help."  It's sad, but true. I knew it, but I wish now that I was wrong.  

P.P.S I need to remember that "feelings are not facts". Just because I feel like I'll never get pregnant, does not make it true. Feelings are not facts.


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