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Wednesday, April 6, 2011

No one said life was fair, but why the fuck not?

I just can't even function anymore. I'm so devastated. I can't do it anymore. No more baby things. Nothing baby related. Done.

It fucking sucks, because on one hand I want to completely forget about TTC. But, I can't. I have bloodwork and ultrasounds and I'm on fertility meds. I have acupuncture appointments, infertility meetings, infertility therapist sessions, and I still have to temp and track my CM and cycle so that we're BDing on the right days. I can't fucking forget about it because it consumes EVERYTHING.

I am SO ecstatic that my BiFF (best internet friend forever <3) got her BFP. I truly can't imagine how I'll react when it's my own because I got SO freaking excited about hers! She had been trying for a LONG time and deserves this SO MUCH. (Keeping her identity secret in case her friends wander from her blog to mine! I don't wanna spill the news ;).....)

However. Now.. I feel very, very alone. She was with me during my entire journey, and now.. I feel like I'm the last one left in our group that has never had a BFP. And but for one, I am. I hated that this best friend of mine had such a slim chance of conceiving. I felt terrible for her for the fact that people felt bad for her! No one wants to have an issue that everyone feels bad for. And now, I feel like I'm the girl in the group that gets the pity - aw, poor little Kelly. She'll probably never get pregnant. I know that's not the case. Everyone is super sweet and optimistic, but I mean... come the fuck on. Doug and I have each had successful offspring. All of our tests have come back completely normal. I ovulate every month, and I don't have a lutal phase defect. EVERYTHING IS PERFECT. 10 months now. TEN months. And nothing. It's fucking ridiculous.

I'm so ANGRY about it. I'm depressed and I'm angry and I'm frustrated and I'm jealous and I hate it. I hate that TTC has made me this way. Taken away the pure joy I should feel for my friend. Taken away the "Aw, so cute!" feelings I used to have when I saw a baby or pregnant woman. Replaced by anger, jealousy and resentment.

I truly don't know what to do. I'm fucking EXHAUSTED at throwing myself 100% into figuring out what to do better next month, or being optimistic. Staying optimistic for this long is like running a marathon. I'm done. I'm tired. It's gotten old. But, what's the other option? Give up? That's not going to get me the baby I want. That I so desperately want. So I look forward to another month of wild emotions, doctor's appointment, drugs, acupuncture, meditation, yoga, massages, "affirmations", crazy diets, crazy positions, yada yada yada.

I honestly completely and 100% feel I'll never be able to get pregnant. I truly believe this. It scares the fucking shit out of me and hurts me more than anything. I've been through a lot in my life, but this is the worst. I feel robbed, cheated. It's not fair. It's just not fair.

I just can't fucking believe that not only was I NOT pregnant by 2011. I'm NOT even going to have a baby in 2011. That is so absolutely and terrifyingly sad. :( :(


stefanel said...

You are not alone and you know it, but it is the worst feeling to not be able to be 100% happy for someone who deserves 100% happiness. We will get through it <3

Kelly Jean said...

It is the worst. Jealousy is an ugly, ugly, uncontrollable monster. How dare it rob me of being happy for my friend? I almost hate it as much as I hate AF! One day it'll be okay. Maybe not today, but one day. :D

Kelly Jean said...

Looking back on this, it makes me so sad! I want to hug myself. Who knew when writing this that sitting here almost a year later, we still wouldn't be pregnant. However, there is ONE statement I would change in this blog entry, and that is that I know I will never get pregnant. I would add an "on our own" after that... because I truly do believe that with IVF, we will get pregnant and have a healthy baby. See? I was right in my April 7th comment - it is okay. <3

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