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Sunday, July 31, 2011

Breakfast talk.

This weekend Mason's little friend Bella slept over. A very interesting conversation arose while they were eating breakfast.

Doug was in the shower, but I could hear the conversation from another room. Bella was asking Mason why his parents don't live together. She's 7 and her parents have been together since (obviously) before she was born.

Mason couldn't grasp what she was asking. To him (Doug & his ex split up when Mason was 1), it's just normal - Mommy lives with Ian (her boyfriend), and Daddy lives with me.

Bella kept pushing.. "I know your mom lives with Ian and your dad lives with Kelly, but why? Why don't they live together?" Mason was getting very confused, and in his own way was trying to say that at Mommy's house, Ian is his dad-figure, and at Daddy's house, Kelly is the mom-figure.

So I decided to interject and clear things up for them both. I did my best with a very touchy and slightly confusing subject.

I walked up behind Mason (who was sitting in his chair) and put my hands on his shoulders.

"Mason's Mommy and Daddy decided that they didn't want to be together anymore. Mason's Mom wanted to be with Ian, and his Dad wants to be with me. So Mason has TWO sets of parents that love him very, very much!"

Mason looked up at me and smiled, and I kissed his forehead. Then I walked over to Bella, who was looking slightly dejected that she didn't get two sets of parents, and took her face in my hands.

"And YOUR parents love each other and you SO much that they're going to be together FOREVER! So you're very lucky too!"

She smiled and giggled and I kissed her forehead.

Crisis averted. Everyone's happy. :)

Here's a picture of the little cuties.




Also, as far as my to-do list goes, I can already change a few things:

1. Take Matilda to a park.
2. Get a new library book out (non-TTC related) and read it.
3. Do Yoga 6 times.
4. Sit down and read books with Mason.
5. Start (and make real progress on) a sewing project.
6. Plan a roadtrip.
7. Take video & pics of new house to post on blog.
8. Take a picture everyday for my photoblog.
9. Work with Reese on his leash, without Matilda. Apparently my dogs like to surprise me, because I took them BOTH on a walk the other day and they did great!!
10. Take Reese to the vet for shots & a check-up.
11. Get 3 good pics of Doug & I.
12. Do something sweet for Doug.
13. Organize desk and bathroom closet.
14. Make and wear my luau jumper!! This one may not work :( The jumper's not going so well. At all.

Until next time!! <3

Saturday, July 30, 2011

14 Things To Do Before I'm 14dpo.

I stole this idea from a friend and I think it's a GREAT way to keep yourself busy during the 2ww.

1. Take Matilda to a park.
2. Get a new library book out (non-TTC related) and read it.
3. Do Yoga 6 times.
4. Sit down and read books with Mason.
5. Start (and make real progress on) a sewing project.
6. Plan a roadtrip.
7. Take video & pics of new house to post on blog.
8. Take a picture everyday for my photoblog.
9. Work with Reese on his leash, without Matilda.
10. Take Reese to the vet for shots & a check-up.
11. Get 3 good pics of Doug & I.
12. Do something sweet for Doug.
13. Organize desk and bathroom closet.
14. Make and wear my luau jumper!!

Today is already 5dpo, so I better get crackin!!!


Friday, July 29, 2011

Really?

Warning: This first paragraph post will probably have lots of swears, jaded opinions and bitching. You've been warned!

I follow people's blogs that I don't like. I don't really know why, but I do. I follow this one girl's blog.. she's 25 and has 5 kids. JUST had twins. And is already getting "baby fever" and thinking about the 6th kid. Are you fucking kidding me? I mean, realistically I know that there's not a quota of kids - where if someone has 10 kids, it's taking kids away from other people. I know that. BUT. It almost feels like it's not fair. I mean, well, it isn't really. But at the same time - what does it affect me if she has 6 kids? Or 10? Or if the Duggar's keep going until they hit 50 kids. It doesn't. But it sure feels like it does. It feels like a slap in the face. Almost like (terrible analogy but I'm tired and cranky and in pain [more on that in a minute] and emotional, and this is my fuckin blog so I can analyze in any way shape or form that I want!) if you had your leg amputated at the knee, and people kept walking up to you and jump roping or riding bikes or skipping. It's like FUCK YOU! Everyone with legs has to leave me alone.

Oh, and P.S./btw - I don't not like her because she is thinking of having a 6th kid. I mean, it doesn't help but it's not why I started not liking her. I don't like her because she is young and acts like she knows everything and is holier than thou and seems to think she's super cool and crunchy and awesome. She's not.

I'm so bitter. I'm so jealous. I'm so angry. I'm so frustrated. I'm so tired. I'm so exhausted. I'm so sad. Some days are better than others. Some minutes are better than others. The other day I bawled my eyes out for the first hour I was up. But the rest of the day was fine. I just CAN'T WAIT for this to be over so I can have a cute little newborn with a perfect name and an adorable nursery (that I'm actually sitting in now... it's the computer room for the moment) and doting grandparents and too many outfits. So I can be DONE with the planning phase and move into the actually having a fucking baby phase.

I broke my pinky toe yesterday. I was walking and texting (doh!) and stubbed it on a cement parking block. What's sad is it wasn't the first time that I stubbed my toe and broke it. I did it when I was like 13 too. On a door. I'm soo friggin clumsy. As SOON as I stubbed it yesterday I knew I broke it. It was just a BAD stub. It's weird cuz I stub my toe ALL the time (and run into walls and give myself bruises), and sometimes it hurts reaally bad. But this time I just KNEW it was broken. Same damn toe too. Maybe it was weak from the first break lol, I don't know. Doug doesn't really believe it's broken. Which, I can't really blame him - it's not too swollen or bruised. You wouldn't even know unless you were really looking for it. But it was the same thing 13 years ago when I broke it. Barely and swelling or bruising. But I got it x-rayed last time and sure enough it was broken. I'm not going to bother this time - I *know* it's broken, and they couldn't do anything for me anyways except confirm that and tell me to ice/elevate, which I'm trying to do anyways.

I *think* I ovulated on Monday. That was CD16. When I *usually* ovulate. But I usually get super creamy CM the next day, and this time I didn't. In fact it's CD20 and my CM is still kinda watery. I know you can't tell for sure if you O'd/didn't O by your CM, but when you've been studying your CM for 13 months, you know what changes you usually see. I do have the usual after-O type soreness though. And I'm emotional and peeing a lot. So I probably did.

No OPKs or temping this month. No doing anything, really. We barely had sex. We did the one night, but then the next night Doug was tired and the night after that I was tired. I was crying to him about it saying that I was beating myself up because we didn't try that hard this month. And that it SUCKS so much because I look forward all fucking month to these like 3 days, because it's a new chance!... and now I have to wait a whole 'nother month for us to try. And he was shocked - I haven't been really telling him when it's O time because we wanted to take the more relaxed approach to TTC.. he said I should have told him and we would have BD'd. I was even more mad at myself then. I thought he knew O time was coming up. I'm still beating myself up about it. But the pessimist in me says, "Hey, it probably wouldn't have happened even if you had sex twice a day during O time." Which is probably true, but the optimist in me says, "Hey - you had sex on CD13 and CD15 - so if you ovulated when you usually do, on CD16 - you still have a shot."

So, I'm *probably* 4dpo. Anticipated AF is 8/8/11. Estimated hopeful due date would be 4/17/12. An April baby would be fun. He/she could wear all the super cute summer clothes and wouldn't be exposed to the harsh Buffalo weather for a while.

So.. that's where I'm at. Broken toe. Emotional. New job's going well. I'm learning things quickly and getting along with everybody. Doug and Mason are well too. The 2ww is always just kind of limbo-time for me, majorly. It's like.. I'm holding my breath for something that will never come. :( I have to stop thinking like that. I have to let the positive side of me take hold more often. Here's to good things to come:


(These are not the actual birds, but we do have a nest of baby Sparrows in our birdhouse. My friend Kelly tells me it's good luck! I sure hope so. <3)

P.S. The history: 8 months of natural TTC (with 2 cycles of Soy Isoflavones), 1 month of Femara, 1 month of Femara/IUI, 3 more months natural TTC. The plan: 2 more months of natural TTC (while I'm on this very basic health insurance) and then Cycle #16 will be MASSIVE testing (NK cells, etc.), surgery? (Laparoscopy), meds (Femara/Ovidrel), back-to-back IUI's, looking into IVIg etc. Busting out the big guns. I REALLY don't want to make it to 18 months TTC.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Sunday.

Yesterday was Mason's birthday party. It was a lot of fun! (Most) kids were well behaved and I definitely learned to let go a little of my OCD - the place was a MESS! And I let it go and just enjoyed the party. A big step for me! In fact, the place still is a mess, as I sit here at 8:45am on Sunday morning. Go me.

I'm emotional today. I don't know why. Sometimes random things trigger it. I think today it was a combination of a blog I stumbled upon (my friend Mandy posted a link to a great article from this blog on her Facebook) and the adorable tots at our birthday party yesterday. I just want this so badly and I don't understand how sperm and egg could get together every month for a year and not make a baby. I just don't. It's not fair. God, if I had a dollar for every time I said/thought that. I'd have enough for IVF.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Got the job!!

Yayyyyy! I got the job :)

Mason's 5th birthday was yesterday, so we're having a bounch house big ass party for him tomorrow. Should be crazy/fun/chaotic!! Something like 40 people at our house! I'm going to have to try and control my OCD for the day, haha.

CD13... we're getting there!! :)

I would just like to know. Even for a second. What it feels like to be pregnant. I'm really hoping this is cycle lucky #13. Month lucky # 13. THE cycle. THE month. I'm honestly exhausted. I haven't done ANYTHING I said I would do this month. :( Between getting the new job (and insurance!) and Mason's birthday party and everything, I just haven't had time to really sit down and assess things. I feel guilty that I haven't made these changes, but at the same time the question, "Why bother? It's not like it would matter if you drank more water/quit smoking/did more Yoga, so why bother?" keeps replaying in my head.

I haven't even ovulated yet this month and I'm already pessimistic about this cycle. Why would this work when TWELVE others haven't. A dozen. A dozen cycles have MISERABLY failed me. Why not make it a baker's dozen?

Everyone's pregnant. You. Her. The girl at work that's training me. Everyone. I do have a few galfriends that aren't. And I'm so ANGRY for us. When is it OUR fucking turn? When do *I* get to feel this joy? Apparently I don't deserve it. It isn't fair and I'm just exhausted with the whole thing.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Fingers crossed!

First of all I'd like to say - if you don't like my blog, or the things I have to say, or the way I'm living my life - don't read my blog! Easy.

Secondly - I love the delete button. A quick, easy way to get rid of the comments and people you don't want to see!

So, I had my interview yesterday with the staffing agency, and today I go meet the client. It's a 5 person panel interview that's going to last 2 - 2 1/2 hours. Wow! I'm really nervous.

Today is CD10. One more week until O time!


I'm sending thoughts & prayers to the Price family. RIP Erin's Grandma. :(

Friday, July 15, 2011

A ha!

Just a few quick things.

I had a phone interview today. Really hoping that the actual interview (Monday) goes well. I need a job. SO. Bad. :( I've literally applied to 25 jobs this week alone. And got ONE phone call, finally. That's crazy. And they are jobs that my skill set matches perfectly - that just goes to show you the volume of people that are applying to these jobs! I've been working on making my cover letter/resume stand out from the crowd. Which is hard, if you don't know what the crowd's resumes look like lol.

Regardless of my massive amounts of relaxing last cycle.. BFN. My cycle was long - like 33 or 34 days. Which means I either ovulated late (CD19), or the progesterone cream I was using lengthened my cycle = progesterone cream out the window. I spotted for 3 days, so I knew AF was coming. I just wanted her to hurry the heck up and get here so I could start a new cycle. Cycle #13. Hopefully LUCKY #13. Hopefully our last cycle ever.

I learned a lot from the Making Babies book. It's a 3 month plan, which for me entails:

Quitting smoking
Drinking more water
Protein shakes
Exercising appropriately per cycle phase
Mucinex
RRL
Preseed
Eating more fruits & veggies
Eating less fried, fatty foods
Drinking less fruit juices with refined sugar
Visualization and self-massage
(And then some)

I also have a LONG list of tests I want run as soon as I get insurance.

A few weeks ago I participated in Mutual of Omaha's "A ha" Moment Tour. Basically these amazing people travel around the U.S. in an RV, taping people's "a ha" moments - moments that changed their lives.

It was really fun. It felt great to get my story out there. I felt like I was speaking for all of us. Here's my clip:


I was talking about http://www.babycenter.com/ (BBC) as the "community" I mentioned, and a good friend of mine from there as my inspiration. :)

I'm thinking of that good friend today. :( :(

I also just signed up to be a Moderator on my friend Amanda's awesome website. Check it out for sure!

http://www.amandabears.com/
http://www.myfertilitydesign.com/

Currently CD6 and excited to get healthy this month and GET PREGNANT!
4/15/12 sounds good to me. <3



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