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Friday, July 29, 2011

Really?

Warning: This first paragraph post will probably have lots of swears, jaded opinions and bitching. You've been warned!

I follow people's blogs that I don't like. I don't really know why, but I do. I follow this one girl's blog.. she's 25 and has 5 kids. JUST had twins. And is already getting "baby fever" and thinking about the 6th kid. Are you fucking kidding me? I mean, realistically I know that there's not a quota of kids - where if someone has 10 kids, it's taking kids away from other people. I know that. BUT. It almost feels like it's not fair. I mean, well, it isn't really. But at the same time - what does it affect me if she has 6 kids? Or 10? Or if the Duggar's keep going until they hit 50 kids. It doesn't. But it sure feels like it does. It feels like a slap in the face. Almost like (terrible analogy but I'm tired and cranky and in pain [more on that in a minute] and emotional, and this is my fuckin blog so I can analyze in any way shape or form that I want!) if you had your leg amputated at the knee, and people kept walking up to you and jump roping or riding bikes or skipping. It's like FUCK YOU! Everyone with legs has to leave me alone.

Oh, and P.S./btw - I don't not like her because she is thinking of having a 6th kid. I mean, it doesn't help but it's not why I started not liking her. I don't like her because she is young and acts like she knows everything and is holier than thou and seems to think she's super cool and crunchy and awesome. She's not.

I'm so bitter. I'm so jealous. I'm so angry. I'm so frustrated. I'm so tired. I'm so exhausted. I'm so sad. Some days are better than others. Some minutes are better than others. The other day I bawled my eyes out for the first hour I was up. But the rest of the day was fine. I just CAN'T WAIT for this to be over so I can have a cute little newborn with a perfect name and an adorable nursery (that I'm actually sitting in now... it's the computer room for the moment) and doting grandparents and too many outfits. So I can be DONE with the planning phase and move into the actually having a fucking baby phase.

I broke my pinky toe yesterday. I was walking and texting (doh!) and stubbed it on a cement parking block. What's sad is it wasn't the first time that I stubbed my toe and broke it. I did it when I was like 13 too. On a door. I'm soo friggin clumsy. As SOON as I stubbed it yesterday I knew I broke it. It was just a BAD stub. It's weird cuz I stub my toe ALL the time (and run into walls and give myself bruises), and sometimes it hurts reaally bad. But this time I just KNEW it was broken. Same damn toe too. Maybe it was weak from the first break lol, I don't know. Doug doesn't really believe it's broken. Which, I can't really blame him - it's not too swollen or bruised. You wouldn't even know unless you were really looking for it. But it was the same thing 13 years ago when I broke it. Barely and swelling or bruising. But I got it x-rayed last time and sure enough it was broken. I'm not going to bother this time - I *know* it's broken, and they couldn't do anything for me anyways except confirm that and tell me to ice/elevate, which I'm trying to do anyways.

I *think* I ovulated on Monday. That was CD16. When I *usually* ovulate. But I usually get super creamy CM the next day, and this time I didn't. In fact it's CD20 and my CM is still kinda watery. I know you can't tell for sure if you O'd/didn't O by your CM, but when you've been studying your CM for 13 months, you know what changes you usually see. I do have the usual after-O type soreness though. And I'm emotional and peeing a lot. So I probably did.

No OPKs or temping this month. No doing anything, really. We barely had sex. We did the one night, but then the next night Doug was tired and the night after that I was tired. I was crying to him about it saying that I was beating myself up because we didn't try that hard this month. And that it SUCKS so much because I look forward all fucking month to these like 3 days, because it's a new chance!... and now I have to wait a whole 'nother month for us to try. And he was shocked - I haven't been really telling him when it's O time because we wanted to take the more relaxed approach to TTC.. he said I should have told him and we would have BD'd. I was even more mad at myself then. I thought he knew O time was coming up. I'm still beating myself up about it. But the pessimist in me says, "Hey, it probably wouldn't have happened even if you had sex twice a day during O time." Which is probably true, but the optimist in me says, "Hey - you had sex on CD13 and CD15 - so if you ovulated when you usually do, on CD16 - you still have a shot."

So, I'm *probably* 4dpo. Anticipated AF is 8/8/11. Estimated hopeful due date would be 4/17/12. An April baby would be fun. He/she could wear all the super cute summer clothes and wouldn't be exposed to the harsh Buffalo weather for a while.

So.. that's where I'm at. Broken toe. Emotional. New job's going well. I'm learning things quickly and getting along with everybody. Doug and Mason are well too. The 2ww is always just kind of limbo-time for me, majorly. It's like.. I'm holding my breath for something that will never come. :( I have to stop thinking like that. I have to let the positive side of me take hold more often. Here's to good things to come:


(These are not the actual birds, but we do have a nest of baby Sparrows in our birdhouse. My friend Kelly tells me it's good luck! I sure hope so. <3)

P.S. The history: 8 months of natural TTC (with 2 cycles of Soy Isoflavones), 1 month of Femara, 1 month of Femara/IUI, 3 more months natural TTC. The plan: 2 more months of natural TTC (while I'm on this very basic health insurance) and then Cycle #16 will be MASSIVE testing (NK cells, etc.), surgery? (Laparoscopy), meds (Femara/Ovidrel), back-to-back IUI's, looking into IVIg etc. Busting out the big guns. I REALLY don't want to make it to 18 months TTC.

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