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Sunday, August 28, 2011

Dot dot dot...

So, obviously, even though I did not want to move on to cycle #14, my body had other plans and here we are.

I think I'm ovulating, and it's kinda crazy that the beginning of this cycle went by so quickly. I'm glad. But this is the stressful time of the cycle. From ovulation to AF. No matter what I do, I cannot rid myself of anxiety and stress. No matter what. I've tried. I'm at a loss. I'm stressed, I'm depressed, I'm frustrated and I'm exhausted. I don't know what to do or to try anymore.

For the last thirteen months - over a YEAR, I have had a few days of being "almost pregnant". Where you just *know* that you are.. I want to be *really* pregnant this month.

For 8 months we tried natural TTC - Preseed, Mucinex, Soy Isoflavones, Bromelain, temping, checking CP and CM, charting and OPKs. Month #9 was Femara. Month #10 was Femara/IUI. Then we tried the "natural" approach - NOTHING. "Relaxing". No temping, no OPKs. No Preseed or anything. I simply charted my AF and my CM to keep track of the days. We didn't do special positions, we skipped days when we wanted to and had sex on days that we didn't have to.. we tried to just "enjoy" each other. We tried that "natural" and "relaxed" plan for THREE months. Aren't you supposed to spontaneously become pregnant when you stop "trying"??? Well, that didn't work for us. Let's look at the math, shall we?

1. Doug has a healthy 5 year-old son.
2. I produced eggs that resulted in a healthy 3 year-old boy.
3. Doug's first sperm sample was 40 million, very normal and healthy in all ways.
4. Doug's second sperm sample was 200 million, astronomically awesomely healthy and perfect.
5. All of my bloodwork testing and the HSG came back perfect.
6. The average couple gets pregnant in 3-6 months. We've been trying for 3 TIMES that long.

What does that equal? NOTHING. It makes no sense. I don't get it.

Besides TTC, nothing is going on. Work is okay. Doug's job is stressful. Mason's starting Kindergarten. I have IBS now. Blah.


Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Every infertile has her day.

Unfortunately, today was not that day. For me anyways. BFN. On a Dollar General test in a Burger King bathroom. Not exactly the beautiful way I envisioned seeing that positive test after all this time, but alas, that didn't matter as there was NO hint of any pink on that test.

I'm depressed. The end.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Quick post!

I *think* I'm 14dpo today. Let's check in on my to-do list, shall we?

1. Take Matilda to a park. We took BOTH dogs to the park! They had a blast!
2. Get a new library book out (non-TTC related) and read it. (Did not happen.)
3. Do Yoga 6 times. (Did not happen.)
4. Sit down and read books with Mason. (Did not happen.)
5. Start (and make real progress on) a sewing project. I made Mason some Green Hornet shorts! He loves them. :) I'm really proud of myself.
6. Plan a roadtrip. (We made preliminary plans on this one. Thousand Islands!)
7. Take video & pics of new house to post on blog. (Did not happen.)
8. Take a picture everyday for my photoblog. Did pretty well on this one. I'll have to look and see how many days I really took a photo.
9. Work with Reese on his leash, without Matilda. Apparently my dogs like to surprise me, because I took them BOTH on a walk the other day and they did great!!
10. Take Reese to the vet for shots & a check-up. His appointment is Tuesday, but we may have to reschedule.
11. Get 3 good pics of Doug & I. Done! We went to a luau and they had a photo booth! So fun. :)
12. Do something sweet for Doug. Done!
13. Organize desk and bathroom closet. (Did not happen.)
14. Make and wear my luau jumper!! This one may not work :( The jumper's not going so well. At all. (Did not happen.)
8/14 isn't too bad. I'm still working on some of them. :) This was fun, although I got a little anxious at times. It did keep me distracted.

No spotting and only cramping for about 30 seconds yesterday. I'm trying to remain realistic, but the optimism always tries to creep in. I'm sure I will know by later today, if not tomorrow, and I will test tomorrow or Wednesday if no spotting or cramping. Please keep me in your thoughts/prayers. I don't want a cycle #14!

<3 <3 <3



Saturday, August 6, 2011

Furious.

I am just furious right now. I truly don't understand people who can fabricate stories and situations in their head to be mad about.

For the fucking record: I have NEVER been ANYTHING but completely 100% sweet to EVERY member of Doug's family. I have NEVER tried to "interfere" in anything. Every decision that is made in this house is made by BOTH of us. I don't "control" fucking anything.

And for someone to say/imply that: I'm a cunt, am going to do the same thing that his ex did (uhm.. leave Doug for her meth dealer.. yeah, I think I'm good on that), that I have a "problem", that I'm not nice, that I control/interfere in things - is FUCKING bullshit. THIS PERSON is the reason we don't not speak to them - things that THEY have said and done while DRUNK. It's nothing *I* fucking did. THEY are the one with the problem. And if they EVER think I'm going to forgive them, they have another fucking thing coming.

Sit down and have a few more drinks, bitch. If you keep blaming everyone else for the problems in your pathetic life - you're going to be ALONE forever. And I don't feel bad for you. You make me fucking sick. I've never been so disgusted by someone's behavior EVER in my life. If I have my way - you will NEVER see your Grandchildren that are birthed by me. Congratulations.

SO.. I think I'm done with THAT speech. What else is going on? My to-do list is nooot going well. I've been so tired/busy with this new job. :( I *still* don't know if I really O'd this month or not. 12dpo and still no creamy CM, or CM of any kind really. Sigh. I came up with a list of reasons why the universe should let us get pregnant now:

1. I got my tattoo finished, so I'll look super cute in all my baby bump photos. :)
2. Mason & I butted heads (a lot) at one point - but now we're really close, like we should be.
3. I actually said out loud the other day, "I think it's a good thing we didn't get pregnant right away. We know each other a LOT more now than we did when we first started trying."
4. I have a job!
5. And insurance!
6. Baby has a nice cozy room all to his/herself in our new house :)
7. My Grandma is giving me her sewing machine today! I would be able to sew all kinds of cute creations for baby. :)

So universe, if you're listening - we're ready! Come on!!!! <3

Hope anyone/everyone who's reading has a great weekend!!  

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