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Saturday, November 5, 2011

Never any good news, is there?

I write this post through tears. It should be a happy time. In 2 days, Doug and I will sit down with Dr. Sullivan, my reproductive endocrinologist, and discuss IVF.

In-vitro fertilization.

Simply put: remove eggs from her, remove sperm from him, eggs + sperm = petri dish, then implanted back in her, and hopefully - they stay there.

The process of pumping me full of injectable meds for weeks, requiring Doug to "pleasure himself" into a cup (for the 3rd time this journey), and then stirring up eggs retrieved from me and Doug's little swimmers in a little dish, and then implanting those little hopeful-babes into my uterus.

I should be ecstatic. And for a while before this appointment, I was. But everything changed on Wednesday. I started spotting. At only CD15. A whole "cycle" wasted. No real answers. Is it an annovulatory cycle? Ovulation spotting? My period? Irritated cervix? Cyst? Other? Who knows.

What pisses me off is: a wasted cycle. After 16 fucking months, you don't want to waste ANY more time.

What pisses me off even more is: that this may fuck up our IVF cycle. I need my body to cooperate so we can go through this process. We have ONE CHANCE at IVF - my fertility clinic got grant money that needs to be used by March. We will be cycling in late Jan/early Feb. We get ONE cycle of IVF. So everything needs to be PERFECT.

I quit smoking (go me!).. I'm going to start acupuncture. I've taken my Prenatal every day. Doug is working on quitting smoking, and we need to start eating out less and cooking at home more. Organically, if possible.

If I go through ALL of this, and my stupid fucking body prevents us from doing IVF, I don't even know what I'll do. I really don't.

On a happier note, CONGRATULATIONS MELISSA! I love you! 18 LONG months! Two IVFs... and FINALLY, a BFP. So, it is possible! I pray each and EVERY day - sticky vibes for you (times two!) and that my first (and only) IVF will work. Muah!! Xoxo. <3 <3


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