Just some stuffs.

I've been having dreams almost EVERY night about the gender of the baby. And they're no help at all in actually figuring out what the gender may be!

2 nights ago, (in my dream) I did an Intelligender test. It was blue, for boy.

Last night, I dreamt I had a baby girl and was dressing her in a different outfit every ten minutes.

24 days left. The party invites are ordered! Addresses are (almost) collected. I got plates, napkins and utensils in pink and blue. Just got to get streamers and balloons now. I also have a few beautiful, generous friends who will be making food for the party (pasta, salad, chicken wing dip - a must in Buffalo, chips and pretzels, and of course beer and wine).

I was going to get buttons for people to put on when they get here, either pink or blue to signify their "guess", but they were $25 and I figured that was a lot to spend on something that will only be used for 3 hours. I could get 2 baby outfits for that much! I reaaaally want them though, they're so cute. I'm still undecided.

I also have to get white, pink and blue chalk, so we can do this to the chalkboard:

(See the buttons? Ugh, so cute.)

It's strange.. when we first found out I was pregnant, I *truly* didn't care whether we were having a boy or a girl. I was excited about the thought of either. As the time where we're finding out has drawn closer, I am so desperately wanting a girl. I cry about it sometimes. Maybe it's just pregnancy emotions. We tried for so long - I am not unaware how selfish/ungrateful these feelings are - but it doesn't change the fact that they're there. I am also very aware that this may very well be my only baby. Even if I *can* convince Doug in a few years to try again with our frozen embryos - it doesn't guarantee that it will work. And trying on our own may be just as unsuccessful as it was for 19 months prior to our IVF. I have always pictured having a daughter. And a son. But definitely a daughter. And if I can only pick one, I so so desperately want an Avery Grace. If baby is a boy, I'm sure I will deal with some gender disappointment, and get over it, but I would just rather avoid that, and cut into the cake and see pink!

Parker, if that's you in mommy's belly - just know that I love you so much. Everything happens for a reason, I truly believe that. And one day when you are grown, you will understand mommy's desire for bows, and tutus, and dance class, and pageants, and dresses and Barbies. And you will understand that this desire has nothing to do with you and how much I will most certainly love you.