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Thursday, March 1, 2012

First ultrasound!

Well, as exciting as yesterday's ultrasound was, we STILL aren't sure if we're having 1 or 2! There is very obviously and most definitely 1 beautiful little bean in there (yay!), but the doctor said he saw "a hint of something else" and wants us to come back on Monday to "confirm fetal number".

I'm not going to lie. I'm a bit disappointed. I'm sure many people out there (especially those TTC) might think that's completely and utterly selfish and ungrateful. But, I think I just got attached to both. And with the early BFP and the high first beta - I was really, really expecting twins. I almost feel like I had twins and lost one. I'm sure a lot of it is just the hormones, and the exaggerated emotions that go along with pregnancy, but I can't help it.

A girl on my IVF board had her first u/s yesterday too, and found out that she is having twins. I cried and cried when I read that. I was supposed to find out I was having twins yesterday. I still might. But I'm thinking not. I truly feel like an asshole - all I've wanted for 18+ months is a baby. And we're having one! Why am I so upset? It's stupid. I will get over it. But I am just being honest. I truly had a mommy's intuition (not to mention other signs!) that there were 2 in there, and to find out that one of our babies probably didn't make it, saddens me, and I can't help that. I'm not choosing to feel this way. I just do.

Doug is very happy that there's (most likely) only 1. I think, even though the pregnancy already felt VERY real to both of us, that it's sinking in even more now that we saw our little "dot" on an ultrasound. And that's what it looks like at this point - an adorable little dot! My mom is calling it a "sweet pea", since that's what size it is now - about 3mm. My brother is calling it "a tiny". Haha.

The heart should be starting to beat very, very soon. I am soo hoping that we'll be able to see the little flicker at Monday's ultrasound - I will be 5w6d, so we might!

I'm still feeling really, really good, so I've started the job searching again. I have an interview on Sunday for a managerial position and I REALLY hope I nail it. It would be an awesome job - $30,000 with benefits. Yes please!

Will update soon with how the interview goes and how our 2nd ultrasound goes! <3


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