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Thursday, January 13, 2011

Fall down, get back up.

Nothing new to report. We've been trying to conceive for exactly 6 months 2 weeks and 5 days. We've started the "usual" fertility testing. We never thought it would take this long. And longer. We're not even there yet.

It's been a really frustrating road. Yesterday I sent Doug an email. My TTC bestie, Erin posted a question to us TTC gals - "Do you think it has gotten harder or easier each month after month of not getting pregnant?" I copied everyone's answers and sent them to Doug. When he read it, he thought that it was ONE long answer, and that it was mine. I surprised him when I said no, it was each gal's answer, and none of them were mine. I wanted him to realize that after a certain amount of time TTC, everyone feels the same. I'm not the only one who is getting frustrated, depressed, irritated, angry, scared and anxious.

For all my friends who have gotten pregnant quickly.. you will never know this pain. It is so easy for people who have either A. gotten pregnant their first or second try, or B. never tried to get pregnant, to say, "Relax" or "Stop trying"... You'll never know the heartbreak month after month, getting negative pregnancy tests and having your period come right on time. Not knowing if it was something you did, or didn't do -- "Do I drink enough water?" "I shouldn't have smoked that cigarette." -- or if there is just something wrong with you. Not knowing if it just hasn't happened yet just because, or if it hasn't happened yet because there's something wrong. Not knowing if this might be the month, or if there will never be that special month. There are some women who just can't get pregnant. The fear that you may be one of them is all consuming, when a baby is what you want more than anything.

But, none of these questions can be answered right now. So we hope and we cry and we wait. We all just wait.

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