Super short update.

AF came. Obviously.
Birthday was nice.
Took the Clomid. Terrible side effects (hot flashes, emotions, moodiness) and it's not really working that well, IMO. I went in for my u/s CD12 and my biggest follie was 10mm. Not exactly where they should be when you're about to ovulate.

SO.. gotta go back in Monday CD16 for another u/s and will probably trigger shortly after that. Got a run-down on how to do the shot. No biggie. Doug's excited about it.
No IUI this month, and this cycle is still costing $400 between meds, Preseed and u/s. Ugh. Home sick today. Looking forward to the weekend.

Just some schtuff.

I feel like crap today. Very IBS/AF like. Super fun. I *think* I'm 14dpo. Which means AF is due in the next day or two. Bring her on. I know I'm not preg this month, and I'm soo excited for next month's plan.

Ideally we would be able to do Femara/Ovidrel/back-to-back IUIs. HOWEVER, it's not a perfect world and my new insurance that kicks in on November 1st has a $1300 deductible. After Doug and I discussed it, we think we decided we were going to do Femara/Ovidrel and pay out of pocket for the next few months, and then add the IUI for Jan. 1st. At least that way the money that we'd be paying would go towards 2012's deductible.

After discussing with the doctor, that is fine with them. But they switched the Femara to Clomid because of the cost ($200+ vs. $18). I didn't want Clomid because of the side effects, but I'm desperate, so I don't care. I got my Rx for the Clomid in the mail on Saturday and will start it on CD5. Can't wait! This regimen will be the real test to see if the issue is my weak/late ovulation. We'll probably do 3 rounds of this, and then check back in with the doc to see if they want to jump right into Clomid (or Femara)/Ovidrel/IUI in January, or if they want to do more testing and possibly lap surgery.

I've been jumping back into planning. A *normal* woman by now would have a newborn. She would get her "fix" by hugging that little baby and putting him/her in all of the adorable little outfits that were purchased months ago. However, I have to get my "fix" by planning. So much is already planned - baby has a room, a name, a nursery theme - all the important stuff. So lately I've been planning all the little (although very important!) details: how to tell Doug about my BFP, when/how to announce to friends/family/co-workers, who will be the God-parents, etc.

I started to type out how I'm going to tell Doug about my BFP, but then I decided against it on the OFF chance that he visits my blog. That would be my luck. Well, just know it's a cute idea! ;)

Mason's doing well in Kindergarten, he loves it. He did a GREAT job as the "pillow boy" in the wedding. I'll post some pics tonight. :)

So.. just waiting on AF so I can start new protocol. And my birthday is 2 weeks from today, woot woot!

Dot dot dot...

So, obviously, even though I did not want to move on to cycle #14, my body had other plans and here we are.

I think I'm ovulating, and it's kinda crazy that the beginning of this cycle went by so quickly. I'm glad. But this is the stressful time of the cycle. From ovulation to AF. No matter what I do, I cannot rid myself of anxiety and stress. No matter what. I've tried. I'm at a loss. I'm stressed, I'm depressed, I'm frustrated and I'm exhausted. I don't know what to do or to try anymore.

For the last thirteen months - over a YEAR, I have had a few days of being "almost pregnant". Where you just *know* that you are.. I want to be *really* pregnant this month.

For 8 months we tried natural TTC - Preseed, Mucinex, Soy Isoflavones, Bromelain, temping, checking CP and CM, charting and OPKs. Month #9 was Femara. Month #10 was Femara/IUI. Then we tried the "natural" approach - NOTHING. "Relaxing". No temping, no OPKs. No Preseed or anything. I simply charted my AF and my CM to keep track of the days. We didn't do special positions, we skipped days when we wanted to and had sex on days that we didn't have to.. we tried to just "enjoy" each other. We tried that "natural" and "relaxed" plan for THREE months. Aren't you supposed to spontaneously become pregnant when you stop "trying"??? Well, that didn't work for us. Let's look at the math, shall we?

1. Doug has a healthy 5 year-old son.
2. I produced eggs that resulted in a healthy 3 year-old boy.
3. Doug's first sperm sample was 40 million, very normal and healthy in all ways.
4. Doug's second sperm sample was 200 million, astronomically awesomely healthy and perfect.
5. All of my bloodwork testing and the HSG came back perfect.
6. The average couple gets pregnant in 3-6 months. We've been trying for 3 TIMES that long.

What does that equal? NOTHING. It makes no sense. I don't get it.

Besides TTC, nothing is going on. Work is okay. Doug's job is stressful. Mason's starting Kindergarten. I have IBS now. Blah.

Every infertile has her day.

Unfortunately, today was not that day. For me anyways. BFN. On a Dollar General test in a Burger King bathroom. Not exactly the beautiful way I envisioned seeing that positive test after all this time, but alas, that didn't matter as there was NO hint of any pink on that test.

I'm depressed. The end.

Quick post!

I *think* I'm 14dpo today. Let's check in on my to-do list, shall we?

1. Take Matilda to a park. We took BOTH dogs to the park! They had a blast!
2. Get a new library book out (non-TTC related) and read it. (Did not happen.)
3. Do Yoga 6 times. (Did not happen.)
4. Sit down and read books with Mason. (Did not happen.)
5. Start (and make real progress on) a sewing project. I made Mason some Green Hornet shorts! He loves them. :) I'm really proud of myself.
6. Plan a roadtrip. (We made preliminary plans on this one. Thousand Islands!)
7. Take video & pics of new house to post on blog. (Did not happen.)
8. Take a picture everyday for my photoblog. Did pretty well on this one. I'll have to look and see how many days I really took a photo.
9. Work with Reese on his leash, without Matilda. Apparently my dogs like to surprise me, because I took them BOTH on a walk the other day and they did great!!
10. Take Reese to the vet for shots & a check-up. His appointment is Tuesday, but we may have to reschedule.
11. Get 3 good pics of Doug & I. Done! We went to a luau and they had a photo booth! So fun. :)
12. Do something sweet for Doug. Done!
13. Organize desk and bathroom closet. (Did not happen.)
14. Make and wear my luau jumper!! This one may not work :( The jumper's not going so well. At all. (Did not happen.)
8/14 isn't too bad. I'm still working on some of them. :) This was fun, although I got a little anxious at times. It did keep me distracted.

No spotting and only cramping for about 30 seconds yesterday. I'm trying to remain realistic, but the optimism always tries to creep in. I'm sure I will know by later today, if not tomorrow, and I will test tomorrow or Wednesday if no spotting or cramping. Please keep me in your thoughts/prayers. I don't want a cycle #14!

<3 <3 <3